On my 25th birthday in June 2010 we found out we were pregnant with our first. We prepared everything for the arrival of our son Alexander Michael. On February 8, 2011 our hearts were broken when a week and a day before Alexander was due we were told that he had no heartbeat. Alexander was silently born on February 10, 2011 he weighed 6 lbs 10 oz, was 20 inches long, had sandy brown hair and really big feet. We love him and miss him dearly. This is my place for reflection on my life since his birth. We are currently expecting a rainbow baby named Oliver, a little brother due Sept 21, 2012. I love both my boys, the one who paints the clouds and my rainbow growing in my womb, tremendously and I thank God for blessing me with both of them everyday.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Our 1st Christmas without Alexander

"Truely my soul silently waits for God; from him comes my salvation. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my defense; I shall not be greatly moved." Psalm 62:1-2

Yesterday Christmas was hard. There was a distinct lack of a crawling, smiling 10 month old. In fact there was a lack of children. I was the youngest person present. This is our first Christmas without Alexander. It was also the first Christmas that my little brother Tim wasn't home. He's currently in Afghanistan serving our country. His antics and teasing were also missed. Having seen Tim play with my niece and nephew (another brother's children) it makes me wonder how he'd play with Alexander. I do believe I'll find out in the next few years how uncle Tim interacts with my children but there will always be someone missing. A little boy, a big brother (hopefully one day soon), my son will be missing from all the vacations and holidays while I'm still on earth.

I find comfort knowing that Alexander got to have Christmas with Jesus, the angels, other children and loved ones who have gone before us. An image came into my head several times yesterday. I pictured Alexander trying to walk yesterday as older children ran ahead. I see him take a couple tentative steps and then fall on his butt. He's smiling because Alexander is always smiling. He holds up his arms to a smiling Jesus, who picks Alexander up gives him a hug and sets him back down a little ways a way. Our Lord gently encourages Alexander to take a couple steps, baby steps. This image and the image of Christ handing Alexander over to my sister in law Rachel, who went to be with God 10 years ago. Rachel and Alexander cuddle some and and walk over to join the other children are excitedly looking at something. I'm not sure what they are looking at but I don't think it matters. What matters is that they are safe and happy. They don't suffer and they get to be with God who loves them beyond measure.

"So all this was done that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the Lord through the prophet, saying: 'Behold, the virgin shall be with child, and bear a Son, and the shall call His name Immanuel,' which is translated, 'God with us.'" Matthew 1:22-23

God is with our loved ones who are not here and god is present in our lives on earth. It doesn't take away the longing and the pain of missing our babies or whoever you happen to be missing. It does bring us comfort, peace, joy, hope, and love.

"For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known. And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13: 12-13

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