As Christmas approaches I realize more and more what I am missing this holiday season. Its the little things I miss, like keeping Alexander from pulling things off of the Christmas tree, going shopping for presents, taking pictures in a cute little outfit, and hearing everyone coo over how cute, smart, and big he is. Every parent who has a baby at home spends so much time trying to get their baby to stop crying and all I want is to hear Alexander cry. I want to change dirty diapers and deal with a snotty nose. I want to worry when he doesn't feel good and complain about sleepless nights. I want to know whether he'd be just beginning to pull himself up on things or if he'd already be walking. I want to hear his first word.
And yet I have this peace about it. A peace that doesn't make any sense. That peace that people talk about that surpasses all understanding. A peace that only can come from God. I had this same peace as I was going through all the waiting and the labor of birthing Alexander, knowing he was dead. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do and yet I knew I wasn't alone. I had my husband, my parents, my pastor, and doctors and nurses with me. I knew I had all sorts of people praying and thinking about us, and I knew that God was with me. I could have peace when my world turned upside down and things didn't make sense because I knew from the moment that Alexander's spirit wasn't on earth, that he was being held by my lord and savior. Peace isour gift from Him. Not a worldly peace but a peace in our very core.
"Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give it to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27
I know Alexander is celebrating Christmas this year in heaven. Which quite frankly must be the biggest and best birthday party ever. I rejoice that he never knew pain or sorrow and that he was never sick. I have an Alexander shaped hole that won't be filled until we are reunited but I also have peace. My wish for all of you this Christmas is that you find the Peace that has no rhym or reason in your heart.
On my 25th birthday in June 2010 we found out we were pregnant with our first. We prepared everything for the arrival of our son Alexander Michael. On February 8, 2011 our hearts were broken when a week and a day before Alexander was due we were told that he had no heartbeat. Alexander was silently born on February 10, 2011 he weighed 6 lbs 10 oz, was 20 inches long, had sandy brown hair and really big feet. We love him and miss him dearly. This is my place for reflection on my life since his birth. We are currently expecting a rainbow baby named Oliver, a little brother due Sept 21, 2012. I love both my boys, the one who paints the clouds and my rainbow growing in my womb, tremendously and I thank God for blessing me with both of them everyday.