I'm not one to ever make New Year's resolutions. I figure if I want to change something in my life I don't have to wait for a new year to begin. I make monthly resolutions, weekly resolutions, daily resolutions, sometimes hourly resolutions. Adding or subtracting things from my life as I go. However this year several friends (check out their blogs here and here) introduced me to the concept of My One Word. Choosing one word for the year to exemplify what direction my life and my relationship with God will take. I loved this idea and quickly started thinking about a word for 2012. Who knew choosing just One word could be so difficult. Yes, I should have known. I have a minor in creative writing. I really want to choose more than one.
I thought about the word hope. After having my hopes and dreams for a life with a new baby boy come crashing down around me last February I had a hard time holding onto hope. Thinking about it for a while my hope was never lost. Its a good word but it didn't quite fit entirely.
Patience was the next word that I had in mind. I feel like I've been waiting forever. I waited for a couple years until we thought we were ready for a baby. I waited while I was pregnant to be able to hold Alexander in my arms and take him home. I didn't get to take him home and the waiting continued. I've been waiting this past year until it was time for us to try to conceive again, and now I'm waiting for the day we find out we are pregnant again (hopefully sooner rather than later). But than the waiting to meet that new baby starts all over again. And I feel like while I need to be patient, I also feel like I need to stop focusing on the waiting. I need to focus on the living right now because I will always be waiting for something and ultimately I'm waiting to meet my creator, hug my savior, and hold my boy in heaven again.
So then the word: cherish came to mind, to focus on cherishing the time I have with the people that matter, cherishing the time I'm given to use my talents and work in this world, to cherish this world and my relationship with my creator. Its a great word and its something that I need to focus on. If/when I get pregnant this year I want to focus on cherishing the time I have with that precious soul that will be growing inside me, whether that time is a moment or a lifetime. I want to focus on cherishing the wonderful relationship I have with my husband, because sadly not every one has that. I want to cherish the tings we do this year for Alexander. Tending his place in the garden, walking in his name to raise money for March for Dimes, using my artistic gifts to help other baby loss parents heal just a little bit. I want to cherish the quiet times I set aside for myself to be with my creator.
Intentionally and consciously cherishing the people, things, and time we are given is difficult. I often, like so many people, get caught up in the business of things that need to be done, distracted by the things that don't matter, or consumed by worry and the what ifs. I ask God this year to help me to focus on cherishing every aspect of my life, to slow down and pay attention to what I have and what I am doing.
Something I am cherishing today is noticing that the daffodils we planted for Alexander in the fall are beginning to sprout.
I thank my God upon every remembrance of you. Philippians 1:3
On my 25th birthday in June 2010 we found out we were pregnant with our first. We prepared everything for the arrival of our son Alexander Michael. On February 8, 2011 our hearts were broken when a week and a day before Alexander was due we were told that he had no heartbeat. Alexander was silently born on February 10, 2011 he weighed 6 lbs 10 oz, was 20 inches long, had sandy brown hair and really big feet. We love him and miss him dearly. This is my place for reflection on my life since his birth. We are currently expecting a rainbow baby named Oliver, a little brother due Sept 21, 2012. I love both my boys, the one who paints the clouds and my rainbow growing in my womb, tremendously and I thank God for blessing me with both of them everyday.