On my 25th birthday in June 2010 we found out we were pregnant with our first. We prepared everything for the arrival of our son Alexander Michael. On February 8, 2011 our hearts were broken when a week and a day before Alexander was due we were told that he had no heartbeat. Alexander was silently born on February 10, 2011 he weighed 6 lbs 10 oz, was 20 inches long, had sandy brown hair and really big feet. We love him and miss him dearly. This is my place for reflection on my life since his birth. We are currently expecting a rainbow baby named Oliver, a little brother due Sept 21, 2012. I love both my boys, the one who paints the clouds and my rainbow growing in my womb, tremendously and I thank God for blessing me with both of them everyday.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

An Unfinished Life

Oliver has grown so so much since September. His personality is really starting to shine through, and he is on the move. Throughout this year Oliver has filled my heart with so much Love and Joy. Alexander has stepped back a bit from the spot light. Honestly it makes me sad that he isn't at the forefront of everything anymore, but at the same time its as it should be. We are on earth to take care of the living. We honor the dead and we never forget them, but life here is about life.

Lately Alexander feels like an unfinished work of art. He's that painting that was started but was interrupted at some point and is now sitting in a closet waiting to be reworked. It reminds me of the day I started painting a picture of my parents wedding photo only to be called by brother who was trying to reach my parents, who were out of town (before cell phones were so everyday). His wife, Rachel had died. My painting was interrupted left to sit in a corner of my room until it was painted over and turned into something else. Alexander will not ever be forgotten by me, just like I don't think I'll ever forget that moment sitting on the front porch when I was talking to my brother. But it's two plus years after Alexander and there is very little evidence outside of close family and friends that he ever existed. He has become this idea that existed but never came to be, a potential personality and childhood that will go unmet. Unmet potential is the key to the grief of a parent who has lost her child.

 Isn't it strange that Alexander feels like the unfinished artwork when in reality he is completely finished and has fulfilled his purpose on earth. He is more Alive and more finished then I am, because he is Alive with Christ. While it feels like Alexander is the unfinished one its really you and me that needs finishing. I am God's artwork that remains unfinished. You are God's artwork that needs finishing. These loved ones: our children, our family, our friends that sometimes seem like potential cut short, unfinished painting put up on a shelf; these are God's finished works of art. These loved ones are finished, beautiful, Alive, masterpieces waiting for us to be finished so we can join them in glory. 

Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
 Psalm 139:16

So for now I'll wait and work with God to finish this mess that is myself, that Christ calls beautiful, and I'll bask in the joy that is watching Oliver develop into the beautiful creation that he is and will be.

If you are waiting on earth with me and are itching to be creative look for more information about an upcoming E-course I'm involved with.


  1. As always, beautifully thought out and written. I'll never forget your beautiful daffodil child, even though the two of us never met in-person. We will someday, though! For now, I just feel blessed to have been able to be the person you and Jonathan could share your grief with. And I'm equally blessed to be Oliver's godmother! :)