On my 25th birthday in June 2010 we found out we were pregnant with our first. We prepared everything for the arrival of our son Alexander Michael. On February 8, 2011 our hearts were broken when a week and a day before Alexander was due we were told that he had no heartbeat. Alexander was silently born on February 10, 2011 he weighed 6 lbs 10 oz, was 20 inches long, had sandy brown hair and really big feet. We love him and miss him dearly. This is my place for reflection on my life since his birth. We are currently expecting a rainbow baby named Oliver, a little brother due Sept 21, 2012. I love both my boys, the one who paints the clouds and my rainbow growing in my womb, tremendously and I thank God for blessing me with both of them everyday.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Daydreams of Another Life

I'm sitting and cuddling with this wonderful almost 6 week old little boy this morning, sipping some tea, just basking in the moment, and my mind begins to wander. I think of another little boy who would be such a big 20 month old. I imagine him climbing into bed with us in the morning, maybe dragging a book and a toy in with him. Asking me to read "The Lorax" for the hundredth time (because any boy of mine will love the Lorax). After "The Lorax" its time to feed the baby so this other little boy occupies himself by playing with his favorite monster puppet. Then we all get up. I put the kettle on for tea or maybe some hot chocolate. I make eggs in a nest for this other little boy and I to eat. I have to wipe the eggs and ketchup off this other little boy's face. I take my tea to the couch and cuddle the baby as I am right now, while the other little boy plays with his blocks on the floor quickly looses interest coming over to kiss his baby brother on the cheek before getting out his action figures. My baby boy begins to wiggle and fuss and I have to end my day dream to feed the ravenous beast who forgot he just ate an hour ago.
  
morning snuggles

A few days ago my husband and I took our baby boy for a walk. He was carried in our wrap by his daddy. It was beginning to feel like fall, a gentle breeze in the air, clouds streaked across the sky, a perfect family moment. It was wonderful and my mind wandered just a bit. Another little boy is carried on his daddy's back while I carry the baby. This other little boy reaches up to touch the leaves and asks his daddy to stop so he can look at a caterpillar crawling across the sidewalk. The other little boy decides he wants to walk on his own, but proceeds to stop every ten feet to examine a rock or a leaf. He stops again to stick his hand in the puddle that was made by the man watering his lawn for too long. My day dream ends and I sigh. I smile at my husband and reach to smooth the hair of the little boy we do have with us.
These day dreams of another life that include this other little boy will always be there, on the fringes of these blissful moments, a quiet sadness not dampening the joy but magnifying it somehow.
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1 comment:

  1. NatOctober 21, 2012 at 4:42 PM

    Having this teeny little boy with you is such a blessing but can be so bittersweet at the same time, as you gaze at him and think of what the same moment would have been like with his big brother.
    Hugs my sweet friend. How amazing it will be when we are reunited with our sweet boys in Heaven one day, and when those family moments that we miss out on can be fulfilled. Love you.

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