A small Peach

I haven't been on here much but wanted to update you all on our newest edition to the family.

Olive is growing quite well. At 13 weeks he/she is about the size of a small peach. I'm told that the baby is starting to make facial expressions this week.  We had another appointment a week ago and here are some pictures of our olive. These are a bit blurrier than before, but I love them anyway.

Here is a photo by photo comparison of my belly with Alexander and my belly a week ago. I think they are about the same, don't you?

As for me my pants are getting a bit too snug to be comfortable. But they have this awesome invention called a belly-band that helps hold up your pants while they are unbuttoned so I don't have to be in maternity clothes yet. (I think I might keep it around for thanksgiving.) I haven't really had nausea with this pregnancy just lots of interesting intestinal issues. They seem to have begun to subside which means that my first trimester symptoms are slowly going away or that I've been eating foods my body likes better. I think I may be beginning to feel the smallest of flutters but it could also be gas. I am so looking forward to feeling this little one kicking me.

I'm so happy to be pregnant again and I wish so much I had my one year old toddling about and getting into things he isn't supposed. Trying to figure out how I can deal with two just about 18/19 months apart would be so much better than praying that I get to keep this one. But I am and this baby are completely in God's hands, and I trust that my heavenly father will use us for his glory and his plan. Whatever that may be.

Tutorial: Memorial Accordion Book

Welcome all you visitors from over at Grief Journeys. This post is for you and all other baby loss When you loose a baby you still have this overwhelming urge as a mother to parent your child. A child in heaven doesn't really need parenting but the parenting need is still there. Creating memorial objects for your baby is a meaningful way to fill the need to parent and a creative way to work through the emotions that come with grief. From time to time I will create tutorials for projects I have made for Alexander, because I know many people need ideas and instructions for creative projects. Feel free to adapt or change the following project however you choose to fit your needs. And if you happen to be lucky enough to not be a baby loss parent this project is still great to create a lasting memory object for an event. This is also a project that can easily be done to include children of all ages.

This particular project is to create a memorial accordion book with pockets for note or cards to your baby. The example I made is for Alexander's first birthday that just passed. We asked friends and family to write brief notes to Alexander or to us explaining what his short life on earth has taught them. I wanted to create something to hold all these letters and so I turned to my ever expanding knowledge as a book-maker and this is what I came up with:

Materials you will need are (most materials will need to be cut to the proper sizes): 

• Paper Glue (My favorite is PVA)
• a brush to apply the glue
• ribbon
• decorative paper, stickers, etc to decorate the cover 
• Scrap paper, an old magazine, or junk mail

For the cover:

• two 8 1/2" x 5 1/2" pieces of sturdy cardboard or mat-board (not corrugated, cutting up the backing of a sketchbook works really well)
• two 8 1/2" x 11"pieces of decorative paper (This is your main cover paper, I used scrap-booking paper)

For the Pages:

• two 20" x 12 1/2" pieces of heavy drawing paper for the pages (I used brown craft paper, but white paper works just as well)
• one 1 1/2"x 12 1/2" piece of heavy drawing paper (I used a scrap from what I had leftover after cutting the other paper) 

Gluing Tip: Whenever you are gluing place a piece of scrap paper under your work. I like to use an old magazine. This way it protects the table or floor you are working on. Anytime the scrap paper gets a lot of glue on it, fold it in half and throw it away. That way you won't get extra glue on your project.

Step 1: Making the Cover
 Brush glue over one entire side of the sturdy cardboard

Place the cardboard glue side down in the middle of the wrong side of the decorative paper
Press it down so the paper is nice and smooth

 Fold the corners of the paper toward the  center and trim them off

 Use those corners and glue them to the corners of the board, this will make the next step look even neater

 Fold and glue the remaining tabs down, making sure they are nice and smooth. This is what your finished cover board should look like:

Repeat with the other piece of cardboard and decorative paper, so you have two cover boards

Step 2: Folding the pages
Fold 4 inches of the heavy drawing paper up (This will make your pockets)

 Fold your paper in half and then fold the ends back towards the center crease
This should give you an accordion like the picture below

 Repeat with the second piece of heavy drawing paper

Step 3: Connecting the Pages
fold 4 inches of the 1 1/2" piece of paper up
then fold it in half

 Unfold it and apply glue to just the 4 inch section, carefully place this connector paper on the 4 inch flap of fist one set of pages and then the other.
Flip the whole set of pages and connector over
apply glue to the rest of the connector and fold it over the pages

 The connector should fold where the pages meet, so you get a long accordion (pictured bellow)

Feel free to make and connect more sets of pages if you need a bigger book.
Step 4: Attaching the Cover
Fold up the accordion pages so the pockets are on the inside
Place a piece of scrap paper between one end and the rest of the pages
Paint glue on the entire back of the end

 Carefully center the glued page over one of your cover boards and smooth it out (This will cover the cardboard that still shows)

 Repeat the process on the other end of the pages with the other cover board

 At this point you have a blank accordion book with pockets, feel free to decorate it as you choose. I used this idea from pintereast to make the paper daffodil.

 I glued ribbons to the back cover board, so I am able to tie my book closed. After you are done decorating your book fill the pockets with notes and cards to your baby. You could have your smaller children draw pictures to be placed in the pockets. I had to place some of the larger cards on the ends so they could stick out, because they wouldn't quite fit in the pockets.

 Feel free to decorate the inside of your book, including the back of the pages. I plan to glue photos from Alexander's birthday party and write out the Random Acts of Kindness that were preformed in his memory on the back of this one.

Feel free to leave questions in the comments section. Let me know if you decide to make your own accordion book. I'd love to see your finished pieces.

Expecting a Rainbow

What is a rainbow?
 

It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages 

of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened  

or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that 

something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness  

and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a  

counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

 

We are pregnant again! Alexander has a little brother or sister currently growing in my tummy right now.

We had our first appointment today, and baby Olive is doing fine, measuring at 9 weeks and 3 days with a heart rate of 172 beats per min.

We are calling the baby Olive. We started calling the baby by whatever my phone app said it was the size of in a given week, blueberry, raspberry, olive, etc. Well this week the baby is the size of a prune and I refuse to call a child a prune. Also the letters in Olive can be rearranged to "I love" and has the word "live" in it. So until we know this baby's gender its name is Olive.

I'll admit I've been pretty anxious, especially the last few days. I now know pregnancy doesn't always end with a baby coming home and its scary. Alexander's birthday just passed with all the emotions and memories along with it and I have pregnancy hormones in my system. I've already been so emotional missing Alexander while having cautious hope and joy for Olive. But ultimately it is out of my control. This child, like every child on this planet belongs to God. Olive is God's baby. I'm hoping that God's plan is for Olive to be born and grow up to do work on earth, but I know that no matter what Olive's future is I already love this little life growing inside me.

 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17

You can see Olive's head and body and little limb buds. I love the top left picture where it looks like Olive is waving.

Olive isn't a replacement for Alexander but a new addition to this little family of mine. I do and always will miss my baby boy. He's a big brother now and I know that thrills him to pieces. We are a family of 4 now, three on earth one in heaven.

We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today. ~Stacia Tauscher

 I will cherish all the time I have with you sweet baby Olive.

Whats is a Name?

 My post this week comes out of a blog prompt from Sufficient Grace Ministries.

When we found out Alexander was indeed a boy, right around 17 weeks, we had a girl name picked out and a boy's middle name. Now we actually had to figure out a boys name. We had a few that we were thinking about.

We were beginning to settle on a name and I got a feeling that if we named him we wouldn't get to keep him. I thought it was completely irrational but it put off deciding on an official name for several weeks. We continued to talk and eventually settled upon Alexander Michael but I still wouldn't make it official. I convinced myself I was being completely irrational and that we had already decided a name anyway. The feeling had pretty much gone away although the nagging thought that we wouldn't be able to keep him whether we named him or not did arise on occasion.

Whatever my nagging feelings were our baby had a name. Alexander because it was a name we liked, Michael because its a family name on both sides. Alexander meaning "Defender of Mankind", Michael meaning  "Who is like God?" Really this sweet boy who was here for a far to short amount of time has taught me so much about what it means to minister to and defend mankind, especially our gentle fragile hearts and he has taught me about God. Because really, who is like God?  No one else understands why things happen and no one else ensures things work out for good. No one else can give us an unexplainable peace when the world is crashing down around us. Who is like God? No one.

For his birthday this past weekend we asked friends and family to write notes letting us know what Alexander's short life had taught us. This is an excerpt from what one dear friend wrote:

You share the name of Alexander the Great, conqueror of nations and philosopher warrior; Michael, a mighty guardian of God's people; and the Greatest of all, the name of your family, loyal and loving friends.
....
Your life however breif, was not without meaning. You touched my heart, reminding me of life's frailty and beauty. You helped me to realize that even death itself is not an end, but a new begining. Your name, your memory, endures as a constant reminder of the many blessings we are each given daily and the beautiful conundrum that life really is.
Your life is an enduring blessing in mine and I look forward to when we next meet. Thank you Alexander. You are a conqueror and guardian of our hearts, and our friend.

And its true Alexander is the conqueror and defender of many hearts, mine included.

taken by a different dear friend in Scotland

Happy Birthday Baby Boy

It's Alexander's first birthday. We should be introducing him to cake and helping him open presents. Instead he is playing under the throne of God and probably keeping some saints and angels pretty busy. Could you imagine heaven without children? I sure can't. They are one of the most pure beautiful things we have in this world. Yes they are a load of trouble, but trouble that most people will willing deal with just for a goofy smile or a hug.

 Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” Matthew 19:14 


I know Alexander is happy and being taken care of and I find peace in that. I miss him more than anything and long for the time when I will be able to see a goofy grin of his and give him a great big hug. I thought this day would be harder but it isn't, partially because I know my baby is safe and will never feel sorrow or pain.

We have had some neat things happening around here lately that remind me of Alexander, daffodils are sprouting,

skies are beautiful (my boy paints them so beautifully),

mystery plants turn out to be daffodils, and birds are singing. 

We have a hawk nest in the neighborhood. When those momma and daddy hawks are there those babies are so loud. When the parents are not there the babies are silent. Do you notice that we can cry out to God whenever we want as loud as we want, because our heavenly father is always there. He is the one who brings us ultimate peace.

Its hard too see but if you look in the middle of the tree you can see the nest and momma hawk.

For now I hold peace in my heart and visions of my babe playing in heaven, painting the sky for me in my head, while I look toward the day when I can join him and embrace my savior, my son, and my other loved ones who live in glory.

Until then we will remember and celebrate that sweet boy's life every year. That short little life who has touched so many in ways I'm aware of and ways I am unaware of. If the many random acts of kindness being committed today in his memory is all he has accomplished with his life that is more than many lives accomplish with much more time spent on this earth.

"I will go to him, but he will not return to me.” 2 Samuel 12:23b

I love you Alexander. Thank you for everything you have taught me and will teach me about love and life. Happy Birthday Sweet Boy.

A Letting Go

 My post this week comes out of a blog prompt from Sufficient Grace Ministries and is a continuation of Alexander's birth story that started three weeks ago and will continue for several weeks more. I wrote about saying hello to Alexander last week and this week I'll write about saying goodbye.

When you are expecting a baby you don't think about having to make arrangements with a funeral home. When I knew that Alexander wouldn't come home with us from the hospital I still didn't think about having to make arrangements for his little body. The nurses gave us a list of funeral homes in the area and asked us who to call. I didn't even know where to begin. Thankfully my pastor stepped in and told us about a few on the list, to help us make our decision.

We had decided we wanted him cremated and we wanted to scatter his ashes someplace natural and beautiful. Its what we both wanted to happen to our bodies when we die, so it was a natural choice for our son.

We were able to pick up Alexander's ashes a few weeks later. They were in a box, wrapped in paper, placed in a velvet bag. I placed his ashes in his crib, his room still set up to welcome him home, and covered them with the blanket I had made. We told him good night every night before bed.

In April during spring break we made the 8 hour drive up to Humboldt county. Alexander's ashes resting in his box, bundled up in his blanket, and placed in my backpack. We had decided to scatter Alexander's ashes in the redwood forests that we loved, had studied under, and met under. We picked up a friend along the way, stayed with yet another friend, and two more friends joined us to scatter his ashes.

It was Palm Sunday April 17, 2011, the beginning of holy week, a time of remembering Christ's death on the cross but also a time for remembering his resurrection. The very same death and resurrection that assured me that Alexander was in Christ's arms the second his heart stopped. It was also April, in Humboldt, which meant it was raining. The rain fit, like the sky was weeping with us as we said goodbye. We drove out to Prairie Creek Redwoods State Park and hiked up the the West Ridge Trail. My husband carrying Alexander's ashes in the backpack. Oh how I wished that it was a healthy, happy little boy he was carrying in a child carrier on a warm sunny day.

We hiked a ways with our 4 friends, then went a bit off the trail. We came to a clearing, made by a fallen giant. It was beautiful, the new life that sprung up from that fallen tree. We walked out onto the log and we unwrapped Alexander's ashes. My husband scattered the ashes throughout the clearing, flinging them in one wide ark as the rain quietly fell. I held Alexander's blanket. I had chosen some verses and a poem to read. I knew I would not be able to get through them myself. I asked our friends, Alexander's god parents to read them.

When we lose someone we love it seems that time stands still. What moves through us is a silence, a quiet sadness. A longing for one more day, one more word, one more touch, We may not understand why you left this earth so soon, or why you left before we were ready to say good-bye, but little by little, we begin to remember not just that you died, but that you lived. And that your life gave us memories too beautiful to forget. We will see you again someday, in a heavenly place where there is no parting. A place where there are no words that mean good-bye.  ~Irish funeral prayer

We held each other as these verses were read: 

 Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” Matthew 19:14 

 So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. John 16:22

Psalm 46

 ¹ God is our refuge and strength,
   an ever-present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
   and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
³ though its waters roar and foam
   and the mountains quake with their surging.^[c]
 4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
   the holy place where the Most High dwells.
⁵ God is within her, she will not fall;
   God will help her at break of day.
⁶ Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
   he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
 ⁷ The LORD Almighty is with us;
   the God of Jacob is our fortress.
 ⁸ Come and see what the LORD has done,
   the desolations he has brought on the earth.
⁹ He makes wars cease
   to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
   he burns the shields^[d] with fire.
¹⁰ He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
   I will be exalted among the nations,
   I will be exalted in the earth.”
 ¹¹ The LORD Almighty is with us;
   the God of Jacob is our fortress.

 My husband said some words to Alexander. He told his son about the forest, how much it meant to us, how beautiful it was even when it was raining, and how he could enjoy running through it or just sitting peacefully. We said goodbye and walked away. A weight had been lifted off of our shoulders. We still missed our baby boy, but there was a letting go, an acknowledgement that he was gone, he was no longer ours to take care of.


We decided not to have a memorial service. I felt the prayer in the hospital and the scattering of ashes was enough. I wasn't sure how I could celebrate the memory of a baby that never took a breath at the time. I know now how to remember his life with love, even a sort of happiness, and a definite peace. And we will be celebrating his life on his first birthday in just a few weeks with friends and family that have been supportive this past year. People we know who have been affected by Alexander's death but more importantly have been affected by his life.

Please join us in celebrating the memory of Alexander's life in just a couple weeks on Friday, February 10 by committing a random act of kindness. It could be something big or small as long as its kindness in memory of Alexander. If you do do something let us know what you did.

Saying Hello

My post this week comes out of a blog prompt from Sufficient Grace Ministries and is a continuation of Alexander's birth story that started two weeks ago and continued last week. Everything is a bit jumbled by way of what order it happened in.

 Alexander Michael Armes was silently born at 5:42 am on February 10, 2011. He weighed 6 lb 10 oz, was 20 inches long and had sandy brown hair. The nurses took him, cleaned him up a bit, wrapped him in a blanket, placed a knit hat on him and placed him in my arms.
 I don't think I looked at him at first. I just held him and felt his weight cradled in my right arm. They said he probably would have been closer to 8 lbs if he had been alive, he had lost water weight. He felt so good in my arms, but it was a limp weight. I long for the squirmy weight of my living son in my arms, his little hands reaching up to grab hair and face. I still do.

He was hard to look at, at first. Our earthly bodies are so delicate and begin to deteriorate the minute we die. Alexander had been gone for a couple days. He was bruised and broken. |My mother said "Oh, honey he is beautiful." Just as if he had been alive. I looked at him more carefully. He was beautiful. His nose was smashed but I think it was his daddy's. His daddy says it was mine. His cheeks were chubby just as all babies' cheeks should be.

I held him for a while then I offered him to my husband. He wasn't sure if he wanted to hold or see Alexander, but he did. I think we are both glad of it. He held him for a short time. My mom and my dad also took turns holding him.

I had brought a pajama/outfit to dress him in. It was supposed to be his coming home outfit. I also had brought a supper soft organic cotton receiving blanket to wrap him in. So my mom helped me unwrap him from the blanket the nurses had put him in. We looked at his little body. It was perfect. Long arms and long legs just like his mommy and his daddy. He had my hands with long tapered fingers, hands of an artist. He had these feet like large wedges. My mother-in-law told me later they looked like my husband's dad's feet. His feet and hands were so big. His feet were over 2 1/2 inches long. If babies are anything like puppies and grow into their feet he was going to be a big guy just like his daddy. We carefully dressed him in his outfit and wrapped him in his blanket.

I didn't wrap him in his blanket that I had made, because I didn't want to get it dirty and it is so big. I wish now I had laid him on it to take pictures but I didn't think I wanted pictures. I had seen this exhibit of Victorian Death Photography when I was a child. I thought it was so weird to take pictures of people after they were dead. I really understand it now, especially when those are the only photos you will ever be able to take. The nurse offered to call a photographer from the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Foundation, a wonderful foundation that offers free professional photography to families of stillborn or very sick infants. I turned it down. I didn't want to remember Alexander as dead. I did ask for foot prints, hand prints, and a lock of hair.

One of the nurses spent so much time getting good hand prints for me. Alexander's fingers kept curling, but with the help of my mom they were able to get good hand prints for me. I love those little hand and foot prints. She also convinced me that I wanted photos of his hands and feet. She also took a few of his face and placed them in a memory box for us. She said they were there if I ever wanted them, but I didn't have to look at them if I didn't want to. I'm so glad I have them now. I wish I had one of me holding Alexander.

I didn't actually hold him or cuddle him that much. I held him for a while and then had him placed on the baby cart where they measure the babies. I wanted him with me in my room, but I didn't feel the need to hold him. He wasn't there. It was just a body. He was already being held by Christ. I did get up, walk over and look at him resting peacefully several times. He was so beautiful and it broke my heart to look at him.

My pastor came in. She asked if she could look at him. Of course she could. She prayed with us some more, and I asked her to put a rose on the alter that next Sunday, just like they did for all the other babies that were born in the congregation. She asked me pink or red. I said red.

My dr. came to see how we were doing, even though she wasn't on duty for labor and delivery that day. She gave us a note for our memory box. The nurses brought in a beautiful paper box/coffin made of handmade paper that had flower petals and leaves in it. She arranged Alexander's body in it and left it open for us. I didn't want him shut in a box or taken by the funeral home until after we had left.

I was antsy. It seemed like I had been waiting so long to labor and give birth and now I was waiting to go home. The let me go home that afternoon. My body was doing really well. We got everything together. My dad took my bags out to the car. I got into the wheel chair and then couldn't find my husband. He appeared shortly. I asked him what he had been doing. He said he was saying goodbye. I stood up. I couldn't believe I hadn't said goodbye. I walked back in the room, and kissed Alexander for the first and last time.

The nurse wheeled me out of the hospital holding a small purple box and an empty blanket instead of my baby boy. I wondered if people who saw me knew about my broken heart. Leaving with empty arms was the hardest part. It made it final. My baby was with Jesus. Alexander spent his short life on earth entirely in my womb. His life changed our lives forever.

"Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days of ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:16