On my 25th birthday in June 2010 we found out we were pregnant with our first. We prepared everything for the arrival of our son Alexander Michael. On February 8, 2011 our hearts were broken when a week and a day before Alexander was due we were told that he had no heartbeat. Alexander was silently born on February 10, 2011 he weighed 6 lbs 10 oz, was 20 inches long, had sandy brown hair and really big feet. We love him and miss him dearly. This is my place for reflection on my life since his birth. We are currently expecting a rainbow baby named Oliver, a little brother due Sept 21, 2012. I love both my boys, the one who paints the clouds and my rainbow growing in my womb, tremendously and I thank God for blessing me with both of them everyday.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

A Mix of Emotions

I haven't posted for a while. I've had ideas to write about for lent, Easter, my rainbow pregnancy, missing my boy, raising money for March for Dimes, etc, but I haven't been able to sit down and write them. I could use the excuse I haven't had the time with a house guest and all but that really isn't it. I'm all over the place lately.
our Easter baskets, including a Easter bunny for Alexander and Olive

I think an instance from last week sums it up the best. My husband had made a joke and then looked at me and said "I don't know if you are going to laugh or cry." I replied that I didn't know either but I would like some chocolate milk.

That has been my life lately. I want to cry, laugh, dance, curl up in a ball, be creative, sit on the couch and do nothing, go for a walk, praise God, go shopping, and stay in bed all day, all at the same time. The only consistent thing is that chocolate milk always sounds good. I can blame the pregnancy hormones, but its more then that. Life is uncertain. I still grieve for the little boy I don't get to raise and yet at Good Friday services last week I was actually able to honestly thank God that my son is in heaven. And yet its really hard sometimes to cling to hope that this little son or daughter growing inside of me is an earthly child and not just a heavenly one.

When I talk to people about my pregnancy, everyone is so happy and excited for us, and I am too. But a small voice in the back of my mind is saying don't rejoice until I have a screaming baby in my arms. Its like something in me is just waiting for this joy to be taken away too. It hasn't kept me from loving this little olive (the size of a onion now) completely. I don't know how I could handle loosing another baby or for that matter how I could handle actually getting to take a baby home. All I can do is hope and trust in God's plan.
The whole family on Easter: Daddy, Mommy, Alexander (represented by the daffodil), and olive (still baking in my belly)

Now to update you all on the beautiful cause of all these emotions:
belly photo with the latest ultrasound photo

I'm currently 17 weeks pregnant. I've been feeling little flutters and bumps for a couple weeks now but not consistently yet. Sometimes its hard to tell if its baby flutters or gas flutters. I'm really looking forward to when olive is a bit bigger and kicks and moves a bit harder and consistently. We just saw little olive again on Tuesday. He/she is doing beautifully and physically so am I. I don't normally keep track of my weight but during pregnancy its fun. Since my appointment at 9 weeks (I don't know my pre-pregnancy weight) I've gained all of 4.6 oz which is just under how much olive should weigh about now. He/she should also be about 5 inches long. In just two weeks we will be having the big ultrasound. Hopefully after that we don't have to call olive, olive anymore, but can give her/him a proper name.

So while I wait two more weeks to see my beautiful baby on the ultrasound screen again I'll be clinging to the Hope, Joy, and Love I have because of Christ.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12


  1. This is such a beautiful post. I am so sorry that it is hard to enjoy your pregnancy. All of my pregnancies were really difficult but ended in a baby until Jonathan. I think all of my next pregnancy will be difficult. I am saying a prayer for you now that you would be able to rest in the Lord and find joy in this pregnancy, and that you would indeed bring this baby home.

  2. I'm visiting from Tesha's link up.
    Saying prayers for a healthy baby.I know it is hard to wait,but rest in the Lord He giveth peace,comfort and rest.(((hugs)))