A Special Appriciation

I am truly enjoy this pregnancy. Yes there are fears and physical discomforts but being pregnant after a loss really makes you appreciate every tiny little movement and pregnancy symptom. It makes all those expectations of what your child will be like go away, because all you care about now is getting to take your baby home from the hospital at the end of your pregnancy.

I love this little boy so much, my tinny womb resident. I had fear that finding out my rainbow was a boy would mean that I wouldn't love him as much as Alexander. But I love Oliver just as much. I love every little kick and wiggle. I love how he squirms happily when he hears loud explosions when I'm watching movies. (He is such a boy already.) I love how he kicks to music with a good beat. I may have a tiny musician on my hands. I love how he doesn't like to show his face on the ultrasound. Oliver has his own distinct personality already.

Almost to the third trimester. I'm starting to get a wee bit impatient to meet this little guy.

I still miss Alexander. He should be a 16 month old toddler running around and getting into everything. I'm sad that Oliver won't have his big brother to play with growing up. Having Oliver in my womb does take some of the edge off the pain of not having Alexander in my arms.I have hope for this new little life. I know Oliver will accomplish big things. I have no idea what those things may be, but I'm looking forward to finding out.

Contingency Plans

 I think about things differently during this pregnancy with Oliver after having Alexander stillborn. Its too be expected. I know about everything that can go wrong. While I try not to dwell on it, there they are sitting in the back of my mind, all those what ifs. With Alexander's the worst that could happen in my mind was having to have a c-section, or possibly having him in the NICU with jaundice for a day r two. Yes it was in the very back of my mind that we may not get to take Alexander home, but I didn't know what that really meant.

With Oliver I know what it means to not to get to take your baby home. And as morbid as it sounds I'm planning for it. Don't get me wrong I'm also planning to take Oliver home. I have two simultaneous plans going on in my mind. Plan A, the ideal plan of delivering a healthy baby boy, holding him in my arms and crying giant tears of joy because he is alive in my arms, of getting him home and not being able to believe it because I actually got to take him home. And then there is plan B, the contingency plan of delivering another baby boy, still and silent, because he joined his brother in heaven. I know what to do differently with another stillbirth. With Alexander I didn't know what to do, to take pictures, to hold him longer, to wrap him up in his blanket. I try to focus on plan A, taking a healthy Oliver home, but plan B is there and I can't seem to get rid of it.

I hate that I have plan B in my head at all but it makes me think of and rejoice for the little things, things I didn't even think about before. I rejoice every time I feel Oliver squirm, kick, and flip because I know it means he's in there alive and safe. I rejoice that I don't feel him move quite as much as I felt Alexander because maybe his cord won't get abnormally long for him to get tangled in. I rejoiced when Oliver hit the 20 week mark because if he dies now he'll be considered a stillbirth and not a miscarriage, which means be issued a death certificate. He'll be in CA state record as having existed. It doesn't seem like something I should be thinking about but it is. And this week I anticipate Friday because it will make Oliver 24 week gestation which means if he is born prematurely they will actually try and save him instead of telling me there is nothing they can do. These little things give me hope.

Anyone who has gone through a rainbow pregnancy can tell you that Hope is the most important thing. I praise God everyday for giving me two beautiful boys. One in heaven and one in my womb. I ask God every day to keep Oliver safe in my womb so I might meet his little self in Sept and to take all my fear and worry away.

23 week baby belly

I wait patiently (and not so patiently sometimes) and prepare to meet my silly little boy. I cherish every moment I have to spend with him. I love every wiggle and hiccup. I keep track of his growth and development on my phone app. Oliver should be about a foot long and 1.25 lbs right now. His senses have developed to the point that he can hear whats going on around him. This morning he was dancing to the music at church. He also likes to dance to Celtic music (but who doesn't). I love my ever growing belly and even every stretch mark. I love this little dude with all my heart, more than I thought I could after his big brother went to heaven. But each new child only makes your heart grow. No wonder God has so much love to give. So while worry and fear crop up more with this pregnancy my plan is to love both of my sons and trust God no matter what happens. That way contingency plans aren't needed.

Mother's Day

Tomorrow is the second Mother's Day that I've been a Mother. It's so bitter sweet mourning that I'll never get to celebrate a mother's day with Alexander in my arms and rejoicing that I have Oliver growing in my belly. Yes, we found out that Alexander will have a little brother about two weeks ago. We are naming him Oliver Xander and I love him and his little wiggles in my belly so incredibly much already.

Oliver's "photo shoot" a couple weeks ago.

Mother's day makes me think now about all the moms who don't get to celebrate with their children and all the women who desperately want to become mother's but struggle with infertility or trying to adopt. God did an amazing thing when he created women because he also created mothers, those special people in our life who know just the right thing to say or do to take care of us just how we need it. Those women who make us chicken soup when we are sick or take us shopping to cheer us up or pray for us on a regular basis. So tomorrow please honor all the women in your life who mother, whether they have children to hold or not.

Mother's Day Tutorial: Personalized Family Jewelry

Photo pendants, I used scanned ultrasound photos and bird's nest pendants

 This is actually two different tutorials that would make great Mother's Day gifts to yourself or another very special mother in your life.

 Photo Pendants

Materials:
photo trays (I found them in the bead section of my local craft store for about $5 each)
tiny images that fit in photo trays
scissors
modge podge 

Directions: 
Measure your photo trays so you know what size of image you need. The trays I bought were 1 inch square, 1 1/4 inch x 3/4 inch rectangle and 1/2 inch square.

You will probably want to re-size and crop the image you are using. I scanned in images of ultrasound photo's of Alexander and my current womb resident, cropped them, re-sized them, and added their names. cut the image to fit the photo tray. You may consider photos of your children or graphics that were made for your children if you don't have ultrasound photos. Any image will work.

You are going to want to carefully trim the image so it fits perfectly inside the photo trays. It may take a bit.

Using a small brush, paint a thin layer of modge podge inside the photo tray and press down your image onto it.

Then use your brush to completely fill in the photo tray with modge podge. This will cover the image but don't worry Modge Podge dries clear. This will seal the photo and protect it.

Allow the photo pendant to dry someplace where it won't get bumped for about 24 hours.

Attach your pendant to a chain or bracelet, add beads and you are done.

My photo charms added to my charm bracelet, one for each baby.

Links to other tutorials for photo Jewelry:
photo bracelet
glass tile photo pendents
scrabble tile pendants
silhouette charms
another glass tile pendant


Bird's Nest Pendant
you can use the wire for this project as neatly or sloppy as you like for this project. I personally like sloppy nests as they look more natural.

Materials:
small gauge wire (I used 24 gauge)
beads (as many as you want eggs)
a bird charm or bead
jewelry pliers (as long as you have something to cut the wire with these are optional, but useful)

Directions:
cut a length of wire about 20 inches long (just eyeball it, it doesn't really matter too much).

String the beads onto the wire. I was making this one for my mom so I used 4 beads, one for each of my 3 brothers and myself, in the colors of our birthstones.

Slide the beads into the middle of the wire and bend the wire so the beads form a little loop. you should have 2 wires coming from the beads that are about the same length now.

Wrap one wire around the beads in a circle several times and secure it by twisting the end tightly around this wire circle.
Make a large loop with the second wire and secure it by tightly wrapping it around the wire circle. This is the loop at the top so you can put your finished nest on a necklace. Start wrapping the wire back and forth across the back looping it tightly around the wire circle to secure it at each side.

After you have used about 1/2 of your wire attach your bird by threading the wire through it and securing it to the side of the nest.

Continue filling out the back of your nest by wrapping the wire back and forth across the back and looping it around the sides.

If you run out if wire but would like a fuller nest attach another wire by twisting it tightly around the side of your nest and continue filling out the back of your nest.


Finish your nest by securing all sharp wire ends by tightly twisting them inside your nest.

Tutorial: Memory Box

This is another tutorial for Grief Journeys. Lending my arts and crafts expertise to these wonderful heartbroken mommas is just one way I heal and remember my little boy all at the same time. This post is on how to make a memory box and ideas on what to put inside.

Tutorial final product:

Before getting into the tutorial let me share Alexander's memory box with you.

When we were told Alexander would be stillborn, we were numb, but we also didn't know what to expect by way of what to do in the hospital or how we would be handled. Thankfully the labor and delivery staff were wonderful. They cared for Alexander's body by washing it gently and clothing it. They took his measurements.They had a little memory box (pictured above) for us to take home. They prepared everything. One nurse with the help of my mom even took extra time to make sure we had good hand and foot prints.

Since then I have added to and subtracted items from Alexander's memory box. This memory box has frames in the top in which I placed a card with his birth stats and a copy of the drawing I made of him. This is what is currently in his memory box: The original photos the nurses took; his ultrasound pictures, a note from our Dr and a note from one of the nurses, his hand-prints (the best hand prints and foot prints are framed and up in our house); a copy of his birth announcement; my hospital bracelet along with the one he would have worn; the crib card, a sleeper outfit that coordinated with the sleeper we dressed him in;  a certificate of life a dear lady made me; a small bottle with a tiny bit of his hair; the heart pillow he held in a few of his photos; and a tiny new testament that was given to us by his god-parents

If you were not fortunate enough to be given a memory box by the hospital or Dr's office don't let it stop you from making one for your baby. You can find a nice box and put one together yourself or you can follow my tutorial below to make a box where the inside and outside of the box is a tribute to your baby.It doesn't have to be expensive. I found boxes from $3 to $25 available at my craft store, you could also use a sturdy shoebox and just paint over the outside.

Here is what you'll need:

boxes ranging from $3 to $25 made out of paper mache, wood, or just photo storage boxes, some already decorated for you

• a box (I found boxes of all shapes, sizes and materials at my local craft store)
• photos, quotes, ribbon, stickers, stamps, scrap-booking paper or anything else that you relate to your baby
• A glue and protective coating like Modge-podge 
• paint or permanent markers
• fabric

Step 1: gather your items together and decide what you really want to put on your box

I chose a plain whit photo storage box (it cost $4), I also ended up getting way more stickers, stamps, and paper out then I actually used

Step 2: Arrange your items to get an idea of what it will look like in the end. This is also where you can paint your box if you want it a different color

Step 3: Glue your items down

Step 4: add quotes with paint or a marker

Step 5: seal and protect you box by coating it in Modeg-podge or another sealant and allow to dry. Think about lining the box in fabric to make the inside softer for baby's memories

Step 6: fill your box with your baby's memories, I filled this one with all the cards and notes from our first year without him. Along with some pregnancy cards and photos that didn't fit in his baby book. And as a final touch  I placed a card with the words "Year 1" in the little label holder that is a part of photo boxes.

I recently found the idea for a "Day you were born box" on pinterest that uses boxes with-in boxes. Its a really cool way to get your children and relatives involved in making your baby's box.

I'd love to know what you all put in your memory boxes for your baby. And to see how you decorate your boxes. I hope this was helpful for you. ~Megan

A Mix of Emotions

I haven't posted for a while. I've had ideas to write about for lent, Easter, my rainbow pregnancy, missing my boy, raising money for March for Dimes, etc, but I haven't been able to sit down and write them. I could use the excuse I haven't had the time with a house guest and all but that really isn't it. I'm all over the place lately.

our Easter baskets, including a Easter bunny for Alexander and Olive

I think an instance from last week sums it up the best. My husband had made a joke and then looked at me and said "I don't know if you are going to laugh or cry." I replied that I didn't know either but I would like some chocolate milk.

That has been my life lately. I want to cry, laugh, dance, curl up in a ball, be creative, sit on the couch and do nothing, go for a walk, praise God, go shopping, and stay in bed all day, all at the same time. The only consistent thing is that chocolate milk always sounds good. I can blame the pregnancy hormones, but its more then that. Life is uncertain. I still grieve for the little boy I don't get to raise and yet at Good Friday services last week I was actually able to honestly thank God that my son is in heaven. And yet its really hard sometimes to cling to hope that this little son or daughter growing inside of me is an earthly child and not just a heavenly one.

When I talk to people about my pregnancy, everyone is so happy and excited for us, and I am too. But a small voice in the back of my mind is saying don't rejoice until I have a screaming baby in my arms. Its like something in me is just waiting for this joy to be taken away too. It hasn't kept me from loving this little olive (the size of a onion now) completely. I don't know how I could handle loosing another baby or for that matter how I could handle actually getting to take a baby home. All I can do is hope and trust in God's plan.

The whole family on Easter: Daddy, Mommy, Alexander (represented by the daffodil), and olive (still baking in my belly)

Now to update you all on the beautiful cause of all these emotions:

belly photo with the latest ultrasound photo

I'm currently 17 weeks pregnant. I've been feeling little flutters and bumps for a couple weeks now but not consistently yet. Sometimes its hard to tell if its baby flutters or gas flutters. I'm really looking forward to when olive is a bit bigger and kicks and moves a bit harder and consistently. We just saw little olive again on Tuesday. He/she is doing beautifully and physically so am I. I don't normally keep track of my weight but during pregnancy its fun. Since my appointment at 9 weeks (I don't know my pre-pregnancy weight) I've gained all of 4.6 oz which is just under how much olive should weigh about now. He/she should also be about 5 inches long. In just two weeks we will be having the big ultrasound. Hopefully after that we don't have to call olive, olive anymore, but can give her/him a proper name.

So while I wait two more weeks to see my beautiful baby on the ultrasound screen again I'll be clinging to the Hope, Joy, and Love I have because of Christ.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

A small Peach

I haven't been on here much but wanted to update you all on our newest edition to the family.

Olive is growing quite well. At 13 weeks he/she is about the size of a small peach. I'm told that the baby is starting to make facial expressions this week.  We had another appointment a week ago and here are some pictures of our olive. These are a bit blurrier than before, but I love them anyway.

Here is a photo by photo comparison of my belly with Alexander and my belly a week ago. I think they are about the same, don't you?

As for me my pants are getting a bit too snug to be comfortable. But they have this awesome invention called a belly-band that helps hold up your pants while they are unbuttoned so I don't have to be in maternity clothes yet. (I think I might keep it around for thanksgiving.) I haven't really had nausea with this pregnancy just lots of interesting intestinal issues. They seem to have begun to subside which means that my first trimester symptoms are slowly going away or that I've been eating foods my body likes better. I think I may be beginning to feel the smallest of flutters but it could also be gas. I am so looking forward to feeling this little one kicking me.

I'm so happy to be pregnant again and I wish so much I had my one year old toddling about and getting into things he isn't supposed. Trying to figure out how I can deal with two just about 18/19 months apart would be so much better than praying that I get to keep this one. But I am and this baby are completely in God's hands, and I trust that my heavenly father will use us for his glory and his plan. Whatever that may be.