(im)Patiently Waiting for My Rainbow

So I haven't posted much lately. I'm bad about keeping up with anything like this for very long. I've tried to keep journals and sketchbooks and diaries. They always start off regular and then taper off until I give up. But my creative process is like that too. I get really involved in say painting and then get bored and move on to another medium. I eventually will go back to painting but in the meantime I've worked with jewelry, book making, altered books, a sculpture project etc. So I'm hoping in the next two weeks I'll write all the posts that I meant to write in July and Aug. But for now I'll update you about my Rainbow pregnancy with Oliver.

37 weeks with Oliver

I'm currently 37 weeks pregnant. Oliver is due to arrive via induction on Sept 14th, in just 13 days, and frankly I'm getting impatient to meet the little guy. I feel like not only have I been waiting the 9 months I've been pregnant but also the 10 months we waited between Alexander's stillbirth and conceiving Oliver and the 9 months I was pregnant with Alexander. That's over 2 years of waiting. And while I haven't really been waiting two years for Oliver I have been waiting two years to hold my baby in my arms, feed him, and take him home. I know there are parents who wait much longer then that because of infertility, multiple losses, etc, so I really am thankful to have to only wait two years. And I have less then 2 weeks to wait now. I'm supper excited to meet my little boy. I think I'll have a hard time putting him down or letting other people hold him for a long time.

That being said I also have fear that I won't ever get to meet Oliver, he'll join his brother in heaven, and once again I'll have to face the miracle of childbirth without the miracle screaming at the end. I'm so glad that I'm at the dr's office 2+ times a week as I think If I didn't get hooked up to that monitor and just get to sit and listen to Oliver's heartbeat every couple days I would have a lot more anxiety. And really Oliver is moving a lot more then Alexander at this point in his pregnancy. Alexander's movements had slowed way down at this point.I wish I had been monitored like I am now with him because maybe they would have known he was struggling and I'd have a little 18 month old running around.

Honestly, I am pretty confident that I'll get to take my baby home this time but that fear keeps creeping in. I try and give it to God every time but more often then not I find myself not trusting God to handle it but pleading with God to keep my baby safe and healthy on earth. I try to make sure I always offer a prayer of thanksgiving for both of my little boys. I Thank God everyday for taking care of Alexander in heaven and blessing me with Oliver in my womb. I really am thankful for both of my children.

So for now I  try to focus on being thankful and not on fear as I wait to meet my second little miracle.

Pet Peeves of a Rainbow Pregnancy

A rainbow pregnancy (a pregnancy after loss) is emotionally tough. Its full of worry and anxiety. And while most pregnant women are worried about how to set up the nursery and which stroller to register for, women who are pregnant after a loss are worried about whether they will actually get to take this baby home from the hospital. A lot of pregnant women's worst case scenario for delivery is that their birth plan isn't followed or they end up having a c-section delivery or their baby ends up in the NICU for a few days with jaundice, (these were the worst possible things that could happen in my mind when I was pregnant with Alexander). I know the worst possible scenario is that you leave the hospital with a memory box and an empty car seat. So while I have a preference how my delivery goes my only real concern this time is that my baby comes home safely.

This image is not my property or work.

With all this there are some very unhelpful things that people tend to say to women going through a rainbow pregnancy. And these aren't just things that are pet peeves of mine. I've been talking to a few fellow baby loss moms who are going through a rainbow pregnancy as well. These are a few things that really bother a lot of us.

Pet peeve #1: Don't treat us like this is our first pregnancy and please don't give us pregnancy advice unless we ask for it. This is not our first pregnancy, we've done this before. By treating us like this is our first pregnancy you are forgetting our child in heaven. One of my biggest fears is that people will forget Alexander. We still count our children in heaven as our kids please do the same. Just because our baby died does not mean we did something wrong that time and we need advice to make it not happen again. Actually many of us did everything right and our baby died anyway. I don't need you to tell me what I should expect in my third trimester. One my body handles pregnancy differently then yours. Two I actually went full term with my first pregnancy so I know what to expect already. We don't need to be told to take it easy or to not stress out. We are already doing everything we need to do to the best of our ability. We go to extra Dr appointments, we are extra careful with our activities and food, we freak out about any pregnancy symptom that might be an indication that something is going wrong, we try to stay positive and stress free as possible (because everyone says stress is bad for the baby), and we try to trust God that he will handle everything.

Pet Peeve #2: If we express worry and concern about the outcome don't respond that everything will turn out just fine or that everything is going well this time so it should turn out just fine. Unless God has given you a divine revelation that I will get to take Oliver home from the hospital, please don't tell me everything will be fine, because you actually don't know that. My personal experience tells me that everything going well does not mean you get to bring a baby home.  Everything was going well, fantastic actually, when I was pregnant with Alexander until he no longer had a heartbeat at a routine prenatal appointment. I know saying things like this are meant to reassure me, but what you are actually telling me is that my worry and concerns are invalid. Instead recognize our concern, let us know you are praying for us, or just give us a hug. (If you are not actually praying for me please don't tell me that you are.) When I know you are praying for me it helps me out emotionally so much.

Pet Peeve #3: Don't refer to us as almost a mom/dad. Or tell us about someone else delivery of a healthy baby by saying "so-and-so is officially a mom/dad." When you say something like this to me you are telling me that you don't think I am a mom. If I am not a mom, then I don't have any kids. Which isn't true. Just because my first born died and my second child has yet to be born does not mean I don't have any kids. When people wished me a happy fist Mother's day this year they basically told me that Alexander doesn't count. And worse when someone wished me a happy almost mother's day they not implied that Alexander doesn't count because he died but that Oliver doesn't count until he is born. In my mind I officially became a mom when I found out I was pregnant. As soon as I knew I was pregnant I started thinking about my child's well being above my own and if that isn't being a mom then I don't know what is. I am proudly a mother of two. If you say something like this I will correct you and depending on my mood (I have been very moody this pregnancy) I won't always do it nicely.

Pet Peeve #4: Expressing your preference or even worse your disappointment over the gender of our baby. While we may or may not have had a preference ourselves our biggest concern for our baby is that they are healthy. And since we don't control the gender of our baby we don't need to know that you think we should of had a boy/girl instead. We love our baby completely no matter if they are a boy or girl and we would appreciate it if you rejoiced with us about the little miracle that is growing in our belly instead of telling us you would of preferred it was a girl/boy. I do admit that I thought that Oliver was a girl (along with almost everyone I talked to) as soon as we found out he was a boy we knew he was completely an individual who wasn't going to care what everyone else thought he was. We love him to pieces for the little person he is and will be.

#5: This isn't really a pet peeve but do realize that even "normal" pregnancy questions (like how are you feeling, are you having a baby shower, or how is the nursery set up going) are loaded with extra emotions for us.Baby showers are tough for most women who have lost a baby (either because they never had one or it reminds them they never got to use the gifts from the last one). We have all this stuff that was his that he never got to use. When we found out Alexander had died I had had two baby showers and we had everything prepared for him. Setting up the nursery for another baby is an emotional experience because as you do it you wonder if you will actually get to use it this time. So if you get awkward answers after you ask a pregnancy related question just be aware that every thing we do for our new baby while we are pregnant is bring back a memory of the baby we lost. It makes everything very complicated.

A Deeper Love and Understanding

Most of the time Alexander's life and death seems like a dream or a story I read so many times that I have every detail memorized. It seems like that year in my life really never actually happened. But I have proof that it did. That He did exist. I know that this is my second pregnancy because I've been through all this pregnancy stuff before. But if this is my second pregnancy where is that little boy that I was supposed to get at the end of all that work of the first one? Aren't you supposed to go through all the work of pregnancy, nursery preparation, and labor only to realize that now the real work begins?

And if Alexander's life feels like a dream then what am I living now? I've officially been in in my third trimester for a week or so now and I'm falling more and more in love with the little life we've named Oliver everyday. It is so neat seeing his little personality emerge and develop by feeling his movements. Every time I feel him move I feel relief that I know he is still alive and I love him for it. Its a deeper love and appreciation of the life growing inside of me then the first time around. I don't have the carefree, giddy, anticipatory love and joy that most pregnant women feel as the plan and prepare for the new life that they will soon deliver. No, I have the deeper love and cautious joy, that is chopped full of worry and anxiety, as only a mother who truly knows how fragile life really is can have.

I've been talking to some fellow BLM's (baby loss moms) about this very thing. We have a longing for that innocent joy of pregnant friend who have never known a loss, but at the same time are so thankful for the lessons in love that our babies in heaven have taught us. It made me think back to the early days after loosing Alexander. (Now the tears come and he doesn't seem like a wonderful horrible dream for a moment.) People would ask me if there was anything they could do. (Please don't ever ask this question of a newly bereaved parent because the only thing going through their mind is "can you bring my baby back?" but that is a topic for another day.) If these friends had children of their own often my only response to this question would be to ask them to love and especially hug their children for me. That's all I wanted in those days to be able to physically love my baby. And If I could make Alexander's memory mean anything it would be to teach parents to have a deeper love and appreciation for their kids. I know that is one of the things Alexander has taught me. This deeper love is one of the things I have that makes Alexander seem real.

Then there is the tangible "proof" I have of Alexander's life on earth: all those baby items that were bought for him but he never used. His little brother, Oliver will use most of them because Oliver would be using Alexander's hand-me-downs anyway. I've been going through all of Alexander's things lately to get ready for Oliver's arrival in a few months. It hasn't been as hard as I thought it would, maybe because I've gone through them a few times knowing they would one day be for a different baby. As I'm going through all these baby clothes I'm reminded of the few outfits we picked out special for Alexander (in addition to all the outfits that were bought for him as gifts, and given to us as hand-me-downs).

This is the very first outfit we bought for Alexander before we knew that he was in fact a he. Because well any child of ours will love robots as much as we do. It will be so special to dress Oliver in this outfit.

And there are the few outfits we have bought just for Oliver because he needs things that are just his and were never his big brothers.(I've actually had so much fun knitting little hats, and booties, and a sweater for Oliver this summer, but I think that is a post for another day.)

We saw this outfit/sleeper when we were pregnant with Alexander but decided it was too expensive. About a month after Alexander died we went back and bought it (on clearance) as a promise to ourselves that one day we will have a baby that will actually need to wear it. I guess this was the first thing we bought for Oliver. 

I pray everyday that we get to take Oliver home and actually are able to use all this baby stuff this time around. I try to wait patiently, hope for the best, and cherish the life growing inside of me while Oliver is here. And that's really all I can do. I have  to trust that God will handle the rest.

A Special Appriciation

I am truly enjoy this pregnancy. Yes there are fears and physical discomforts but being pregnant after a loss really makes you appreciate every tiny little movement and pregnancy symptom. It makes all those expectations of what your child will be like go away, because all you care about now is getting to take your baby home from the hospital at the end of your pregnancy.

I love this little boy so much, my tinny womb resident. I had fear that finding out my rainbow was a boy would mean that I wouldn't love him as much as Alexander. But I love Oliver just as much. I love every little kick and wiggle. I love how he squirms happily when he hears loud explosions when I'm watching movies. (He is such a boy already.) I love how he kicks to music with a good beat. I may have a tiny musician on my hands. I love how he doesn't like to show his face on the ultrasound. Oliver has his own distinct personality already.

Almost to the third trimester. I'm starting to get a wee bit impatient to meet this little guy.

I still miss Alexander. He should be a 16 month old toddler running around and getting into everything. I'm sad that Oliver won't have his big brother to play with growing up. Having Oliver in my womb does take some of the edge off the pain of not having Alexander in my arms.I have hope for this new little life. I know Oliver will accomplish big things. I have no idea what those things may be, but I'm looking forward to finding out.

Contingency Plans

 I think about things differently during this pregnancy with Oliver after having Alexander stillborn. Its too be expected. I know about everything that can go wrong. While I try not to dwell on it, there they are sitting in the back of my mind, all those what ifs. With Alexander's the worst that could happen in my mind was having to have a c-section, or possibly having him in the NICU with jaundice for a day r two. Yes it was in the very back of my mind that we may not get to take Alexander home, but I didn't know what that really meant.

With Oliver I know what it means to not to get to take your baby home. And as morbid as it sounds I'm planning for it. Don't get me wrong I'm also planning to take Oliver home. I have two simultaneous plans going on in my mind. Plan A, the ideal plan of delivering a healthy baby boy, holding him in my arms and crying giant tears of joy because he is alive in my arms, of getting him home and not being able to believe it because I actually got to take him home. And then there is plan B, the contingency plan of delivering another baby boy, still and silent, because he joined his brother in heaven. I know what to do differently with another stillbirth. With Alexander I didn't know what to do, to take pictures, to hold him longer, to wrap him up in his blanket. I try to focus on plan A, taking a healthy Oliver home, but plan B is there and I can't seem to get rid of it.

I hate that I have plan B in my head at all but it makes me think of and rejoice for the little things, things I didn't even think about before. I rejoice every time I feel Oliver squirm, kick, and flip because I know it means he's in there alive and safe. I rejoice that I don't feel him move quite as much as I felt Alexander because maybe his cord won't get abnormally long for him to get tangled in. I rejoiced when Oliver hit the 20 week mark because if he dies now he'll be considered a stillbirth and not a miscarriage, which means be issued a death certificate. He'll be in CA state record as having existed. It doesn't seem like something I should be thinking about but it is. And this week I anticipate Friday because it will make Oliver 24 week gestation which means if he is born prematurely they will actually try and save him instead of telling me there is nothing they can do. These little things give me hope.

Anyone who has gone through a rainbow pregnancy can tell you that Hope is the most important thing. I praise God everyday for giving me two beautiful boys. One in heaven and one in my womb. I ask God every day to keep Oliver safe in my womb so I might meet his little self in Sept and to take all my fear and worry away.

23 week baby belly

I wait patiently (and not so patiently sometimes) and prepare to meet my silly little boy. I cherish every moment I have to spend with him. I love every wiggle and hiccup. I keep track of his growth and development on my phone app. Oliver should be about a foot long and 1.25 lbs right now. His senses have developed to the point that he can hear whats going on around him. This morning he was dancing to the music at church. He also likes to dance to Celtic music (but who doesn't). I love my ever growing belly and even every stretch mark. I love this little dude with all my heart, more than I thought I could after his big brother went to heaven. But each new child only makes your heart grow. No wonder God has so much love to give. So while worry and fear crop up more with this pregnancy my plan is to love both of my sons and trust God no matter what happens. That way contingency plans aren't needed.

Mother's Day

Tomorrow is the second Mother's Day that I've been a Mother. It's so bitter sweet mourning that I'll never get to celebrate a mother's day with Alexander in my arms and rejoicing that I have Oliver growing in my belly. Yes, we found out that Alexander will have a little brother about two weeks ago. We are naming him Oliver Xander and I love him and his little wiggles in my belly so incredibly much already.

Oliver's "photo shoot" a couple weeks ago.

Mother's day makes me think now about all the moms who don't get to celebrate with their children and all the women who desperately want to become mother's but struggle with infertility or trying to adopt. God did an amazing thing when he created women because he also created mothers, those special people in our life who know just the right thing to say or do to take care of us just how we need it. Those women who make us chicken soup when we are sick or take us shopping to cheer us up or pray for us on a regular basis. So tomorrow please honor all the women in your life who mother, whether they have children to hold or not.

Mother's Day Tutorial: Personalized Family Jewelry

Photo pendants, I used scanned ultrasound photos and bird's nest pendants

 This is actually two different tutorials that would make great Mother's Day gifts to yourself or another very special mother in your life.

 Photo Pendants

Materials:
photo trays (I found them in the bead section of my local craft store for about $5 each)
tiny images that fit in photo trays
scissors
modge podge 

Directions: 
Measure your photo trays so you know what size of image you need. The trays I bought were 1 inch square, 1 1/4 inch x 3/4 inch rectangle and 1/2 inch square.

You will probably want to re-size and crop the image you are using. I scanned in images of ultrasound photo's of Alexander and my current womb resident, cropped them, re-sized them, and added their names. cut the image to fit the photo tray. You may consider photos of your children or graphics that were made for your children if you don't have ultrasound photos. Any image will work.

You are going to want to carefully trim the image so it fits perfectly inside the photo trays. It may take a bit.

Using a small brush, paint a thin layer of modge podge inside the photo tray and press down your image onto it.

Then use your brush to completely fill in the photo tray with modge podge. This will cover the image but don't worry Modge Podge dries clear. This will seal the photo and protect it.

Allow the photo pendant to dry someplace where it won't get bumped for about 24 hours.

Attach your pendant to a chain or bracelet, add beads and you are done.

My photo charms added to my charm bracelet, one for each baby.

Links to other tutorials for photo Jewelry:
photo bracelet
glass tile photo pendents
scrabble tile pendants
silhouette charms
another glass tile pendant


Bird's Nest Pendant
you can use the wire for this project as neatly or sloppy as you like for this project. I personally like sloppy nests as they look more natural.

Materials:
small gauge wire (I used 24 gauge)
beads (as many as you want eggs)
a bird charm or bead
jewelry pliers (as long as you have something to cut the wire with these are optional, but useful)

Directions:
cut a length of wire about 20 inches long (just eyeball it, it doesn't really matter too much).

String the beads onto the wire. I was making this one for my mom so I used 4 beads, one for each of my 3 brothers and myself, in the colors of our birthstones.

Slide the beads into the middle of the wire and bend the wire so the beads form a little loop. you should have 2 wires coming from the beads that are about the same length now.

Wrap one wire around the beads in a circle several times and secure it by twisting the end tightly around this wire circle.
Make a large loop with the second wire and secure it by tightly wrapping it around the wire circle. This is the loop at the top so you can put your finished nest on a necklace. Start wrapping the wire back and forth across the back looping it tightly around the wire circle to secure it at each side.

After you have used about 1/2 of your wire attach your bird by threading the wire through it and securing it to the side of the nest.

Continue filling out the back of your nest by wrapping the wire back and forth across the back and looping it around the sides.

If you run out if wire but would like a fuller nest attach another wire by twisting it tightly around the side of your nest and continue filling out the back of your nest.


Finish your nest by securing all sharp wire ends by tightly twisting them inside your nest.