tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24779767577654203602024-03-13T04:17:28.177-07:00Painted Clouds and RainbowsMeganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08331168422471244204noreply@blogger.comBlogger29125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2477976757765420360.post-12659029519987340172013-06-04T15:46:00.001-07:002013-06-04T16:41:14.365-07:00MADEWe were all made in God's image. I like to think of myself as an artist and since God is The Creator, I think of Him as The Artist. So why isn't there more exploration in the christian community into God-centered Creativity?<br />
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I have <a href="http://www.bethmorey.com/">this friend</a> who came up with this idea, then bravely asked the artists she knew to collaborate and help her make it happen. I am so excited about the outcome of this collaboration. I am so honored to be a part of it.<br />
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<a href="https://www.e-junkie.com/ecom/gb.php?cl=168836&c=ib&aff=250439%22%20target=%22ejejcsingle%22%3EClick%20here%20to%20visit%20Beth%20Morey%20and%20Made%20eCourse.%3C/a%3E" target="_blank"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-XxwNthnHmeo/Ua5th2IvtRI/AAAAAAAAARo/7PDRLv9vEoE/s320/600790_10151825663605116_1203921734_n.jpg" width="320" /></a> </div>
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Made is a 4 month online course, taught by 12 amazing christian Artists. I am so honored to be teaching a few workshops myself (Making an Art Journal; Creative Healing; Interpreting the Word) but even more excited to learn from the other artists. It starts in September. <a href="https://www.e-junkie.com/ecom/gb.php?cl=168836&c=ib&aff=250439%22%20target=%22ejejcsingle%22%3EClick%20here%20to%20visit%20Beth%20Morey%20and%20Made%20eCourse.%3C/a%3E" target="_blank">Sign up now.</a> <br />
<br />Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08331168422471244204noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2477976757765420360.post-7063032254215261132013-06-02T13:35:00.001-07:002013-06-02T13:35:21.750-07:00An Unfinished LifeOliver has grown so so much since September. His personality is really starting to shine through, and he is on the move. Throughout this year Oliver has filled my heart with so much Love and Joy. Alexander has stepped back a bit from the spot light. Honestly it makes me sad that he isn't at the forefront of everything anymore, but at the same time its as it should be. We are on earth to take care of the living. We honor the dead and we never forget them, but life here is about life.<br />
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Lately Alexander feels like an unfinished work of art. He's that painting that was started but was interrupted at some point and is now sitting in a closet waiting to be reworked. It reminds me of the day I started painting a picture of my parents wedding photo only to be called by brother who was trying to reach my parents, who were out of town (before cell phones were so everyday). His wife, Rachel had died. My painting was interrupted left to sit in a corner of my room until it was painted over and turned into something else. Alexander will not ever be forgotten by me, just like I don't think I'll ever forget that moment sitting on the front porch when I was talking to my brother. But it's two plus years after Alexander and there is very little evidence outside of close family and friends that he ever existed. He has become this idea that existed but never came to be, a potential personality and childhood that will go unmet. Unmet potential is the key to the grief of a parent who has lost her child.<br />
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Isn't it strange that Alexander feels like the unfinished artwork when in reality he is completely finished and has fulfilled his purpose on earth. He is more Alive and more finished then I am, because he is Alive with Christ. While it feels like Alexander is the unfinished one its really you and me that needs finishing. I am God's artwork that remains unfinished. You are God's artwork that needs finishing. These loved ones: our children, our family, our friends that sometimes seem like potential cut short, unfinished painting put up on a shelf; these are God's finished works of art. These loved ones are finished, beautiful, Alive, masterpieces waiting for us to be finished so we can join them in glory. <br />
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<i><span class="text Ps-139-16" id="en-NIV-16256">Your eyes saw my unformed body;</span><br /><span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks"> </span><span class="text Ps-139-16">all the days ordained for me were written in your book</span></span><br /><span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks"> </span><span class="text Ps-139-16">before one of them came to be.</span></span></i></div>
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<span class="indent-1"><span class="text Ps-139-16"> Psalm 139:16</span></span></div>
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<span class="indent-1"><span class="text Ps-139-16">So for now I'll wait and work with God to finish this mess that is myself, that Christ calls beautiful, and I'll bask in the joy that is watching Oliver develop into the beautiful creation that he is and will be.</span></span></div>
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<span class="indent-1"><span class="text Ps-139-16">If you are waiting on earth with me and are itching to be creative look for more information about an upcoming E-course I'm involved with.</span></span></div>
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Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08331168422471244204noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2477976757765420360.post-51693896172463403282012-10-21T12:43:00.002-07:002012-10-21T12:43:14.701-07:00Daydreams of Another LifeI'm sitting and cuddling with this wonderful almost 6 week old little boy this morning, sipping some tea, just basking in the moment, and my mind begins to wander. I think of another little boy who would be such a big 20 month old. I imagine him climbing into bed with us in the morning, maybe dragging a book and a toy in with him. Asking me to read "The Lorax" for the hundredth time (because any boy of mine will love the Lorax). After "The Lorax" its time to feed the baby so this other little boy occupies himself by playing with his favorite monster puppet. Then we all get up. I put the kettle on for tea or maybe some hot chocolate. I make eggs in a nest for this other little boy and I to eat. I have to wipe the eggs and ketchup off this other little boy's face. I take my tea to the couch and cuddle the baby as I am right now, while the other little boy plays with his blocks on the floor quickly looses interest coming over to kiss his baby brother on the cheek before getting out his action figures. My baby boy begins to wiggle and fuss and I have to end my day dream to feed the ravenous beast who forgot he just ate an hour ago.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">morning snuggles</td></tr>
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<br />A few days ago my husband and I took our baby boy for a walk. He was carried in our wrap by his daddy. It was beginning to feel like fall, a gentle breeze in the air, clouds streaked across the sky, a perfect family moment. It was wonderful and my mind wandered just a bit. Another little boy is carried on his daddy's back while I carry the baby. This other little boy reaches up to touch the leaves and asks his daddy to stop so he can look at a caterpillar crawling across the sidewalk. The other little boy decides he wants to walk on his own, but proceeds to stop every ten feet to examine a rock or a leaf. He stops again to stick his hand in the puddle that was made by the man watering his lawn for too long. My day dream ends and I sigh. I smile at my husband and reach to smooth the hair of the little boy we do have with us.<br />
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These day dreams of another life that include this other little boy will always be there, on the fringes of these blissful moments, a quiet sadness not dampening the joy but magnifying it somehow.Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08331168422471244204noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2477976757765420360.post-1864541381011361662012-09-19T13:05:00.000-07:002012-09-19T13:05:17.712-07:00Finding My RainbowOliver didn't wait for the scheduled induction on Friday the 14th. By then he was already 4 days old. No, Oliver decided to do things his own way and arrived all by himself very quickly early in the morning on Tues, Sept 11th. My labor was hard and fast (2 hours from the time my water broke at home). Oliver Xander was 7 lb 10 oz (exactly one pound bigger then his big brother) and 19.5 inches long. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oliver, just an hour after birth</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oliver is supper snugly</td></tr>
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After the initial excitement after his birth. Oliver was sleeping soundly and the nurses told me to get some sleep. All I could do was stare at him and hold him. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">the only way I can get a photo of both my boys is to use Xander-bear (our bear we had made with Alexander's ashes).</td></tr>
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That was a week ago, and honestly I am still in utter disbelief that I have a baby here on
earth, that Oliver arrived safe and is actually here, that he is mine. I'm completely in Love with my new little one and thank God every day that he has blessed me with two beautiful boys, Alexander in heaven and Oliver on earth.<br />
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<br />Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08331168422471244204noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2477976757765420360.post-50488138470809869062012-09-01T13:17:00.001-07:002012-09-01T13:17:48.029-07:00(im)Patiently Waiting for My RainbowSo I haven't posted much lately. I'm bad about keeping up with anything like this for very long. I've tried to keep journals and sketchbooks and diaries. They always start off regular and then taper off until I give up. But my creative process is like that too. I get really involved in say painting and then get bored and move on to another medium. I eventually will go back to painting but in the meantime I've worked with jewelry, book making, altered books, a sculpture project etc. So I'm hoping in the next two weeks I'll write all the posts that I meant to write in July and Aug. But for now I'll update you about my Rainbow pregnancy with Oliver. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">37 weeks with Oliver</td></tr>
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I'm currently 37 weeks pregnant. Oliver is due to arrive via induction on Sept 14th, in just 13 days, and frankly I'm getting impatient to meet the little guy. I feel like not only have I been waiting the 9 months I've been pregnant but also the 10 months we waited between Alexander's stillbirth and conceiving Oliver and the 9 months I was pregnant with Alexander. That's over 2 years of waiting. And while I haven't really been waiting two years for Oliver I have been waiting two years to hold my baby in my arms, feed him, and take him home. I know there are parents who wait much longer then that because of infertility, multiple losses, etc, so I really am thankful to have to only wait two years. And I have less then 2 weeks to wait now. I'm supper excited to meet my little boy. I think I'll have a hard time putting him down or letting other people hold him for a long time.<br />
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That being said I also have fear that I won't ever get to meet Oliver, he'll join his brother in heaven, and once again I'll have to face the miracle of childbirth without the miracle screaming at the end. I'm so glad that I'm at the dr's office 2+ times a week as I think If I didn't get hooked up to that monitor and just get to sit and listen to Oliver's heartbeat every couple days I would have a lot more anxiety. And really Oliver is moving a lot more then Alexander at this point in his pregnancy. Alexander's movements had slowed way down at this point.I wish I had been monitored like I am now with him because maybe they would have known he was struggling and I'd have a little 18 month old running around.<br />
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Honestly, I am pretty confident that I'll get to take my baby home this time but that fear keeps creeping in. I try and give it to God every time but more often then not I find myself not trusting God to handle it but pleading with God to keep my baby safe and healthy on earth. I try to make sure I always offer a prayer of thanksgiving for both of my little boys. I Thank God everyday for taking care of Alexander in heaven and blessing me with Oliver in my womb. I really am thankful for both of my children. <br />
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So for now I try to focus on being thankful and not on fear as I wait to meet my second little miracle. Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08331168422471244204noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2477976757765420360.post-75951175699150863072012-07-14T13:30:00.001-07:002012-07-14T21:41:26.083-07:00Pet Peeves of a Rainbow PregnancyA rainbow pregnancy (a pregnancy after loss) is emotionally tough. Its full of worry and anxiety. And while most pregnant women are worried about how to set up the nursery and which stroller to register for, women who are pregnant after a loss are worried about whether they will actually get to take this baby home from the hospital. A lot of pregnant women's worst case scenario for delivery is that their birth plan isn't followed or they end up having a c-section delivery or their baby ends up in the NICU for a few days with jaundice, (these were the worst possible things that could happen in my mind when I was pregnant with Alexander). I know the worst possible scenario is that you leave the hospital with a memory box and an empty car seat. So while I have a preference how my delivery goes my only real concern this time is that my baby comes home safely.<br />
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With all this there are some very unhelpful things that people tend to say to women going through a rainbow pregnancy. And these aren't just things that are pet peeves of mine. I've been talking to a few fellow baby loss moms who are going through a
rainbow pregnancy as well. These are a few things that really bother a lot of us. <br />
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<b>Pet peeve #1: Don't treat us like this is our first pregnancy and please don't give us pregnancy advice unless we ask for it. </b>This is not our first pregnancy, we've done this before. By treating us like this is our first pregnancy you are forgetting our child in heaven. One of my biggest fears is that people will forget Alexander. We still count our children in heaven as our kids please do the same. Just because our baby died does not mean we did something wrong that time and we need advice to make it not happen again. Actually many of us did everything right and our baby died anyway. I don't need you to tell me what I should expect in my third trimester. One my body handles pregnancy differently then yours. Two I actually went full term with my first pregnancy so I know what to expect already. We don't need to be told to take it easy or to not stress out. We are already doing everything we need to do to the best of our ability. We go to extra Dr appointments, we are extra careful with our activities and food, we freak out about any pregnancy symptom that might be an indication that something is going wrong, we try to stay positive and stress free as possible (because everyone says stress is bad for the baby), and we try to trust God that he will handle everything. <br />
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<b>Pet Peeve #2: If we express worry and concern about the outcome don't respond that everything will turn out just fine or that everything is going well this time so it should turn out just fine.</b> Unless God has given you a divine revelation that I will get to take Oliver home from the hospital, please don't tell me everything will be fine, because you actually don't know that. My personal experience tells me that everything going well does not mean you get to bring a baby home. Everything was going well, fantastic actually, when I was pregnant with Alexander until he no longer had a heartbeat at a routine prenatal appointment. I know saying things like this are meant to reassure me, but what you are actually telling me is that my worry and concerns are invalid. Instead recognize our concern, let us know you are praying for us, or just give us a hug. (If you are not actually praying for me please don't tell me that you are.) When I know you are praying for me it helps me out emotionally so much. <br />
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<b>Pet Peeve #3: Don't refer to us as almost a mom/dad. Or tell us about someone else delivery of a healthy baby by saying "so-and-so is officially a mom/dad." </b>When you say something like this to me you are telling me that you don't think I am a mom. If I am not a mom, then I don't have any kids. Which isn't true. Just because my first born died and my second child has yet to be born does not mean I don't have any kids. When people wished me a happy fist Mother's day this year they basically told me that Alexander doesn't count. And worse when someone wished me a happy almost mother's day they not implied that Alexander doesn't count because he died but that Oliver doesn't count until he is born. In my mind I officially became a mom when I found out I was pregnant. As soon as I knew I was pregnant I started thinking about my child's well being above my own and if that isn't being a mom then I don't know what is. I am proudly a mother of two. If you say something like this I will correct you and depending on my mood (I have been very moody this pregnancy) I won't always do it nicely.<br />
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<b>Pet Peeve #4: Expressing your preference or even worse your disappointment over the gender of our baby.</b> While we may or may not have had a preference ourselves our biggest concern for our baby is that they are healthy. And since we don't control the gender of our baby we don't need to know that you think we should of had a boy/girl instead. We love our baby completely no matter if they are a boy or girl and we would appreciate it if you rejoiced with us about the little miracle that is growing in our belly instead of telling us you would of preferred it was a girl/boy. I do admit that I thought that Oliver was a girl (along with almost everyone I talked to) as soon as we found out he was a boy we knew he was completely an individual who wasn't going to care what everyone else thought he was. We love him to pieces for the little person he is and will be.<br />
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<b>#5:</b> This isn't really a pet peeve but do realize that <b>even "normal" pregnancy questions</b> (like how are you feeling, are you having a baby shower, or how is the nursery set up going) <b>are loaded</b> with extra emotions for us.Baby showers are tough for most women who have lost a baby (either because they never had one or it reminds them they never got to use the gifts from the last one). We have all this stuff that was his that he never got to use. When we found out Alexander had died I had had two baby showers and we had everything prepared for him. Setting up the nursery for another baby is an emotional experience because as you do it you wonder if you will actually get to use it this time. So if you get awkward answers after you ask a pregnancy related question just be aware that every thing we do for our new baby while we are pregnant is bring back a memory of the baby we lost. It makes everything very complicated.Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08331168422471244204noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2477976757765420360.post-59795917733774426342012-07-09T09:30:00.004-07:002012-07-09T09:30:49.075-07:00A Deeper Love and UnderstandingMost of the time Alexander's life and death seems like a dream or a story I read so many times that I have every detail memorized. It seems like that year in my life really never actually happened. But I have proof that it did. That He did exist. I know that this is my second pregnancy because I've been through all this pregnancy stuff before. But if this is my second pregnancy where is that little boy that I was supposed to get at the end of all that work of the first one? Aren't you supposed to go through all the work of pregnancy, nursery preparation, and labor only to realize that now the real work begins? <br />
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And if Alexander's life feels like a dream then what am I living now? I've officially been in in my third trimester for a week or so now and I'm falling more and more in love with the little life we've named Oliver everyday. It is so neat seeing his little personality emerge and develop by feeling his movements. Every time I feel him move I feel relief that I know he is still alive and I love him for it. Its a deeper love and appreciation of the life growing inside of me then the first time around. I don't have the carefree, giddy, anticipatory love and joy that most pregnant women feel as the plan and prepare for the new life that they will soon deliver. No, I have the deeper love and cautious joy, that is chopped full of worry and anxiety, as only a mother who truly knows how fragile life really is can have.<br />
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I've been talking to some fellow BLM's (baby loss moms) about this very thing. We have a longing for that innocent joy of pregnant friend who have never known a loss, but at the same time are so thankful for the lessons in love that our babies in heaven have taught us. It made me think back to the early days after loosing Alexander. (Now the tears come and he doesn't seem like a wonderful horrible dream for a moment.) People would ask me if there was anything they could do. (Please don't ever ask this question of a newly bereaved parent because the only thing going through their mind is "can you bring my baby back?" but that is a topic for another day.) If these friends had children of their own often my only response to this question would be to ask them to love and especially hug their children for me. That's all I wanted in those days to be able to physically love my baby. And If I could make Alexander's memory mean anything it would be to teach parents to have a deeper love and appreciation for their kids. I know that is one of the things Alexander has taught me. This deeper love is one of the things I have that makes Alexander seem real.<br />
<br />
Then there is the tangible "proof" I have of Alexander's life on earth: all those baby items that were bought for him but he never used. His little brother, Oliver will use most of them because Oliver would be using Alexander's hand-me-downs anyway. I've been going through all of Alexander's things lately to get ready for Oliver's arrival in a few months. It hasn't been as hard as I thought it would, maybe because I've gone through them a few times knowing they would one day be for a different baby. As I'm going through all these baby clothes I'm reminded of the few outfits we picked out special for Alexander (in addition to all the outfits that were bought for him as gifts, and given to us as hand-me-downs).<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-F0D7CzBsjYU/T_sGEGhypqI/AAAAAAAAAOM/t8cLcAu3HrM/s1600/DSC00097.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-F0D7CzBsjYU/T_sGEGhypqI/AAAAAAAAAOM/t8cLcAu3HrM/s400/DSC00097.JPG" width="275" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is the very first outfit we bought for Alexander before we knew that he was in fact a he. Because well any child of ours will love robots as much as we do. It will be so special to dress Oliver in this outfit.</td></tr>
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And there are the few outfits we have bought just for Oliver because he needs things that are just his and were never his big brothers.(I've actually had so much fun knitting little hats, and booties, and a sweater for Oliver this summer, but I think that is a post for another day.)<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-HEawkvP64tY/T_sGiF7NtLI/AAAAAAAAAOU/IzRP_wd1hZM/s1600/DSC00098.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-HEawkvP64tY/T_sGiF7NtLI/AAAAAAAAAOU/IzRP_wd1hZM/s400/DSC00098.JPG" width="321" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">We saw this outfit/sleeper when we were pregnant with Alexander but decided it was too expensive. About a month after Alexander died we went back and bought it (on clearance) as a promise to ourselves that one day we will have a baby that will actually need to wear it. I guess this was the first thing we bought for Oliver. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
I pray everyday that we get to take Oliver home and actually are able to use all this baby stuff this time around. I try to wait patiently, hope for the best, and cherish the life growing inside of me while Oliver is here. And that's really all I can do. I have to trust that God will handle the rest.Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08331168422471244204noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2477976757765420360.post-27530473689097038732012-06-15T11:58:00.001-07:002012-06-15T11:58:39.204-07:00A Special AppriciationI am truly enjoy this pregnancy. Yes there are fears and physical
discomforts but being pregnant after a loss really makes you appreciate
every tiny little movement and pregnancy symptom. It makes all those
expectations of what your child will be like go away, because all you
care about now is getting to take your baby home from the hospital at
the end of your pregnancy.<br />
<br />
I love this little boy so much, my tinny womb resident. I had fear that finding out my rainbow was a boy would mean that I wouldn't love him as much as Alexander. But I love Oliver just as much. I love every little kick and wiggle. I love how he squirms happily when he hears loud explosions when I'm watching movies. (He is such a boy already.) I love how he kicks to music with a good beat. I may have a tiny musician on my hands. I love how he doesn't like to show his face on the ultrasound. Oliver has his own distinct personality already.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-pkVAjXDfBRs/T9uFl9wbdoI/AAAAAAAAAOA/YjhD9mA2i1w/s1600/26+weeks+with+ultrasound.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-pkVAjXDfBRs/T9uFl9wbdoI/AAAAAAAAAOA/YjhD9mA2i1w/s400/26+weeks+with+ultrasound.jpg" width="221" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Almost to the third trimester. I'm starting to get a wee bit impatient to meet this little guy.</td></tr>
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<br />
I still miss Alexander. He should be a 16 month old toddler running around and getting into everything. I'm sad that Oliver won't have his big brother to play with growing up. Having Oliver in my womb does take some of the edge off the pain of not having Alexander in my arms.I have hope for this new little life. I know Oliver will accomplish big things. I have no idea what those things may be, but I'm looking forward to finding out. <br />
<br />
<br />Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08331168422471244204noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2477976757765420360.post-51359421878479518222012-05-27T16:00:00.003-07:002012-05-27T16:00:29.161-07:00Contingency Plans I think about things differently during this pregnancy with Oliver after having Alexander stillborn. Its too be expected. I know about everything that can go wrong. While I try not to dwell on it, there they are sitting in the back of my mind, all those what ifs. With Alexander's the worst that could happen in my mind was having to have a c-section, or possibly having him in the NICU with jaundice for a day r two. Yes it was in the very back of my mind that we may not get to take Alexander home, but I didn't know what that really meant.<br />
<br />
With Oliver I know what it means to not to get to take your baby home. And as morbid as it sounds I'm planning for it. Don't get me wrong I'm also planning to take Oliver home. I have two simultaneous plans going on in my mind. Plan A, the ideal plan of delivering a healthy baby boy, holding him in my arms and crying giant tears of joy because he is alive in my arms, of getting him home and not being able to believe it because I actually got to take him home. And then there is plan B, the contingency plan of delivering another baby boy, still and silent, because he joined his brother in heaven. I know what to do differently with another stillbirth. With Alexander I didn't know what to do, to take pictures, to hold him longer, to wrap him up in his blanket. I try to focus on plan A, taking a healthy Oliver home, but plan B is there and I can't seem to get rid of it.<br />
<br />
I hate that I have plan B in my head at all but it makes me think of and rejoice for the little things, things I didn't even think about before. I rejoice every time I feel Oliver squirm, kick, and flip because I know it means he's in there alive and safe. I rejoice that I don't feel him move quite as much as I felt Alexander because maybe his cord won't get abnormally long for him to get tangled in. I rejoiced when Oliver hit the 20 week mark because if he dies now he'll be considered a stillbirth and not a miscarriage, which means be issued a death certificate. He'll be in CA state record as having existed. It doesn't seem like something I should be thinking about but it is. And this week I anticipate Friday because it will make Oliver 24 week gestation which means if he is born prematurely they will actually try and save him instead of telling me there is nothing they can do. These little things give me hope.<br />
<br />
Anyone who has gone through a rainbow pregnancy can tell you that Hope is the most important thing. I praise God everyday for giving me two beautiful boys. One in heaven and one in my womb. I ask God every day to keep Oliver safe in my womb so I might meet his little self in Sept and to take all my fear and worry away.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-fljUGPE3QDQ/T8KwfYVekiI/AAAAAAAAAN0/E2R5hYFfmZo/s1600/IMAG0794.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-fljUGPE3QDQ/T8KwfYVekiI/AAAAAAAAAN0/E2R5hYFfmZo/s400/IMAG0794.jpg" width="238" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">23 week baby belly</td></tr>
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<br />
I wait patiently (and not so patiently sometimes) and prepare to meet my silly little boy. I cherish every moment I have to spend with him. I love every wiggle and hiccup. I keep track of his growth and development on my phone app. Oliver should be about a foot long and 1.25 lbs right now. His senses have developed to the point that he can hear whats going on around him. This morning he was dancing to the music at church. He also likes to dance to Celtic music (but who doesn't). I love my ever growing belly and even every stretch mark. I love this little dude with all my heart, more than I thought I could after his big brother went to heaven. But each new child only makes your heart grow. No wonder God has so much love to give. So while worry and fear crop up more with this pregnancy my plan is to love both of my sons and trust God no matter what happens. That way contingency plans aren't needed.Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08331168422471244204noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2477976757765420360.post-59845156790847355652012-05-12T13:36:00.001-07:002012-05-12T13:36:10.662-07:00Mother's Day<br />
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Tomorrow is the second Mother's Day that I've been a Mother. It's so bitter sweet mourning that I'll never get to celebrate a mother's day with Alexander in my arms and rejoicing that I have Oliver growing in my belly. Yes, we found out that Alexander will have a little brother about two weeks ago. We are naming him Oliver Xander and I love him and his little wiggles in my belly so incredibly much already.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ApO4vuRBzPA/T67AZkfXlyI/AAAAAAAAANM/RH9nU8ziaKc/s1600/19+week+ultrasound.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ApO4vuRBzPA/T67AZkfXlyI/AAAAAAAAANM/RH9nU8ziaKc/s400/19+week+ultrasound.jpg" width="275" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oliver's "photo shoot" a couple weeks ago.</td></tr>
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<br />
Mother's day makes me think now about all the moms who don't get to celebrate with their children and all the women who desperately want to become mother's but struggle with infertility or trying to adopt. God did an amazing thing when he created women because he also created mothers, those special people in our life who know just the right thing to say or do to take care of us just how we need it. Those women who make us chicken soup when we are sick or take us shopping to cheer us up or pray for us on a regular basis. So tomorrow please honor all the women in your life who mother, whether they have children to hold or not.<br />
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<br />Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08331168422471244204noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2477976757765420360.post-31584307604608892012-05-05T19:06:00.000-07:002012-05-05T19:06:45.820-07:00Mother's Day Tutorial: Personalized Family Jewelry<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-I89ee4B61lU/T6XEg8NplGI/AAAAAAAAALQ/aitix63bhDk/s1600/Untitled-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="195" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-I89ee4B61lU/T6XEg8NplGI/AAAAAAAAALQ/aitix63bhDk/s400/Untitled-1.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo pendants, I used scanned ultrasound photos and bird's nest pendants</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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This is actually two different tutorials that would make great Mother's Day gifts to yourself or another very special mother in your life.<br />
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<b> <u>Photo Pendants</u></b><br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HvxBV_O7GbM/T6XHvqA2c8I/AAAAAAAAALc/8CgrIbBFGgg/s1600/IMAG0674.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="191" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HvxBV_O7GbM/T6XHvqA2c8I/AAAAAAAAALc/8CgrIbBFGgg/s320/IMAG0674.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<b><br />Materials:</b><br />
photo trays (I found them in the bead section of my local craft store for about $5 each)<br />
tiny images that fit in photo trays <br />
scissors<br />
modge podge <br />
<br />
<b>Directions: </b><br />
Measure your photo trays so you know what size of image you need. The trays I bought were 1 inch square, 1 1/4 inch x 3/4 inch rectangle and 1/2 inch square.<br />
<br />
You will probably want to re-size and crop the image you are using. I scanned in images of ultrasound photo's of Alexander and my current womb resident, cropped them, re-sized them, and added their names. cut the image to fit the photo tray. You may consider photos of your children or graphics that were made for your children if you don't have ultrasound photos. Any image will work.<br />
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You are going to want to carefully trim the image so it fits perfectly inside the photo trays. It may take a bit.<br />
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Using a small brush, paint a thin layer of modge podge inside the photo tray and press down your image onto it.<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-fL9Ip6M8NLQ/T6XLwtt2x5I/AAAAAAAAALo/S1z7A1jr6UI/s1600/Untitled-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="236" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-fL9Ip6M8NLQ/T6XLwtt2x5I/AAAAAAAAALo/S1z7A1jr6UI/s320/Untitled-2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Then use your brush to completely fill in the photo tray with modge podge. This will cover the image but don't worry Modge Podge dries clear. This will seal the photo and protect it. <br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GjHY8AFQdiM/T6XMEI0Gu7I/AAAAAAAAALw/uAs7JibEwJQ/s1600/IMAG0678.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GjHY8AFQdiM/T6XMEI0Gu7I/AAAAAAAAALw/uAs7JibEwJQ/s200/IMAG0678.jpg" width="182" /></a></div>
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Allow the photo pendant to dry someplace where it won't get bumped for about 24 hours.<br />
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Attach your pendant to a chain or bracelet, add beads and you are done.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Ji6eSL35kRA/T6XMabJTO_I/AAAAAAAAAL4/LLoqgLOwIkQ/s1600/IMAG0699.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Ji6eSL35kRA/T6XMabJTO_I/AAAAAAAAAL4/LLoqgLOwIkQ/s400/IMAG0699.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My photo charms added to my charm bracelet, one for each baby.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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<br />
Links to other tutorials for photo Jewelry:<br />
<a href="http://www.howtogal.com/2010/01/how-to-make-black-and-white-photo.html">photo bracelet</a><br />
<a href="http://www.gingersnapcrafts.com/2012/01/tutorial-photo-pendants.html">glass tile photo pendents</a><br />
<a href="http://www.wannabecrafty.com/2011/03/pendant-tray-necklaces.html">scrabble tile pendants</a><br />
<a href="http://shoprubyjean.com/2011/10/how-to-make-silhouette-charm-pendants-tutorial/">silhouette charms</a><br />
another <a href="http://sabbyinsuburbia.blogspot.com/2011/01/homemade-christmas-pendant-necklaces.html">glass tile pendant</a><br />
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<br />
<u><b>Bird's Nest Pendant</b></u><br />
you can use the wire for this project as neatly or sloppy as you like for this project. I personally like sloppy nests as they look more natural.<br />
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Materials:<br />
small gauge wire (I used 24 gauge)<br />
beads (as many as you want eggs)<br />
a bird charm or bead<br />
jewelry pliers (as long as you have something to cut the wire with these are optional, but useful)<br />
<br />
Directions:<br />
cut a length of wire about 20 inches long (just eyeball it, it doesn't really matter too much).<br />
<br />
String the beads onto the wire. I was making this one for my mom so I used 4 beads, one for each of my 3 brothers and myself, in the colors of our birthstones. <br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-scdQrcvtd6M/T6XQr2V8ucI/AAAAAAAAAMM/uQMXeG3Nv4c/s1600/IMAG0682.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-scdQrcvtd6M/T6XQr2V8ucI/AAAAAAAAAMM/uQMXeG3Nv4c/s200/IMAG0682.jpg" width="119" /></a></div>
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Slide the beads into the middle of the wire and bend the wire so the beads form a little loop. you should have 2 wires coming from the beads that are about the same length now.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WHW_IyZJs6g/T6XQ2rlPkqI/AAAAAAAAAMU/XlDwl1q9SQw/s1600/IMAG0683.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WHW_IyZJs6g/T6XQ2rlPkqI/AAAAAAAAAMU/XlDwl1q9SQw/s320/IMAG0683.jpg" width="191" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JtdzllZGWRo/T6Xalvo9cQI/AAAAAAAAAMo/TvFNBkHh5pk/s1600/IMAG0685.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JtdzllZGWRo/T6Xalvo9cQI/AAAAAAAAAMo/TvFNBkHh5pk/s200/IMAG0685.jpg" width="119" /></a><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-jzXK-o53eQw/T6Xaij6p7jI/AAAAAAAAAMg/emdhl0OosSw/s1600/IMAG0684.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-jzXK-o53eQw/T6Xaij6p7jI/AAAAAAAAAMg/emdhl0OosSw/s200/IMAG0684.jpg" width="119" /></a>Wrap one wire around the beads in a circle several times and secure it by twisting the end tightly around this wire circle.<br />
Make a large loop with the second wire and secure it by tightly wrapping it around the wire circle. This is the loop at the top so you can put your finished nest on a necklace. Start wrapping the wire back and forth across the back looping it tightly around the wire circle to secure it at each side.<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-SL0lYRq-6TQ/T6Xaoc96T6I/AAAAAAAAAMw/V0RVevOqygY/s1600/IMAG0686.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-SL0lYRq-6TQ/T6Xaoc96T6I/AAAAAAAAAMw/V0RVevOqygY/s200/IMAG0686.jpg" width="119" /></a>After you have used about 1/2 of your wire attach your bird by threading the wire through it and securing it to the side of the nest.<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CH1MEE_fkx4/T6XbIjmTvGI/AAAAAAAAAM4/WcgvtSZdrxE/s1600/IMAG0687.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CH1MEE_fkx4/T6XbIjmTvGI/AAAAAAAAAM4/WcgvtSZdrxE/s200/IMAG0687.jpg" width="119" /></a></div>
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Continue filling out the back of your nest by wrapping the wire back and forth across the back and looping it around the sides.<br />
<br />
If you run out if wire but would like a fuller nest attach another wire by twisting it tightly around the side of your nest and continue filling out the back of your nest.<br />
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<br />
Finish your nest by securing all sharp wire ends by tightly twisting them inside your nest. <br />
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<br />Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08331168422471244204noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2477976757765420360.post-68811349829838856722012-04-22T14:13:00.000-07:002012-04-22T14:13:02.273-07:00Tutorial: Memory BoxThis is another tutorial for <a href="http://www.facebook.com/GriefJourneys">Grief Journeys</a>. Lending my arts and crafts expertise to these wonderful heartbroken mommas is just one way I heal and remember my little boy all at the same time. This post is on how to make a memory box and ideas on what to put inside.<br />
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Tutorial final product:<br />
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Before getting into the tutorial let me share Alexander's memory box with you.<br />
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When we were told Alexander would be stillborn, we were numb, but we also didn't know what to expect by way of what to do in the hospital or how we would be handled. Thankfully the labor and delivery staff were wonderful. They cared for Alexander's body by washing it gently and clothing it. They took his measurements.They had a little memory box (pictured above) for us to take home. They prepared everything. One nurse with the help of my mom even took extra time to make sure we had good hand and foot prints.<br />
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Since then I have added to and subtracted items from Alexander's memory box. This memory box has frames in the top in which I placed a card with his birth stats and a copy of the drawing I made of him. This is what is currently in his memory box: The original photos the nurses took; his ultrasound pictures, a note from our Dr and a note from one of the nurses, his hand-prints (the best hand prints and foot prints are framed and up in our house); a copy of his birth announcement; my hospital bracelet along with the one he would have worn; the crib card, a sleeper outfit that coordinated with the sleeper we dressed him in; a certificate of life a dear lady made me; a small bottle with a tiny bit of his hair; the heart pillow he held in a few of his photos; and a tiny new testament that was given to us by his god-parents<br />
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If you were not fortunate enough to be given a memory box by the hospital or Dr's office don't let it stop you from making one for your baby. You can find a nice box and put one together yourself or you can follow my tutorial below to make a box where the inside and outside of the box is a tribute to your baby.It doesn't have to be expensive. I found boxes from $3 to $25 available at my craft store, you could also use a sturdy shoebox and just paint over the outside. <br />
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Here is what you'll need:<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">boxes ranging from $3 to $25 made out of paper mache, wood, or just photo storage boxes, some already decorated for you</td></tr>
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<ul>
<li>a box (I found boxes of all shapes, sizes and materials at my local craft store)</li>
<li>photos, quotes, ribbon, stickers, stamps, scrap-booking paper or anything else that you relate to your baby</li>
<li>A glue and protective coating like Modge-podge </li>
<li>paint or permanent markers </li>
<li>fabric</li>
</ul>
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Step 1: gather your items together and decide what you really want to put on your box<br />
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I chose a plain whit photo storage box (it cost $4), I also ended up getting way more stickers, stamps, and paper out then I actually used<br />
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Step 2: Arrange your items to get an idea of what it will look like in the end. This is also where you can paint your box if you want it a different color<br />
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Step 3: Glue your items down<br />
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Step 4: add quotes with paint or a marker<br />
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Step 5: seal and protect you box by coating it in Modeg-podge or another sealant and allow to dry. Think about lining the box in fabric to make the inside softer for baby's memories<br />
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Step 6: fill your box with your baby's memories, I filled this one with all the cards and notes from our first year without him. Along with some pregnancy cards and photos that didn't fit in his baby book. And as a final touch I placed a card with the words "Year 1" in the little label holder that is a part of photo boxes.<br />
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I recently found the idea for a "<a href="http://familyfun.go.com/crafts/the-day-you-were-born-709460/">Day you were born box</a>" on pinterest that uses boxes with-in boxes. Its a really cool way to get your children and relatives involved in making your baby's box.<br />
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I'd love to know what you all put in your memory boxes for your baby. And to see how you decorate your boxes. I hope this was helpful for you. ~Megan<br />
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<br />Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08331168422471244204noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2477976757765420360.post-15199470594696446812012-04-14T13:00:00.000-07:002012-04-14T13:00:22.368-07:00A Mix of EmotionsI haven't posted for a while. I've had ideas to write about for lent, Easter, my rainbow pregnancy, missing my boy, raising money for March for Dimes, etc, but I haven't been able to sit down and write them. I could use the excuse I haven't had the time with a house guest and all but that really isn't it. I'm all over the place lately.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">our Easter baskets, including a Easter bunny for Alexander and Olive</td></tr>
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I think an instance from last week sums it up the best. My husband had made a joke and then looked at me and said "I don't know if you are going to laugh or cry." I replied that I didn't know either but I would like some chocolate milk.<br />
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That has been my life lately. I want to cry, laugh, dance, curl up in a ball, be creative, sit on the couch and do nothing, go for a walk, praise God, go shopping, and stay in bed all day, all at the same time. The only consistent thing is that chocolate milk always sounds good. I can blame the pregnancy hormones, but its more then that. Life is uncertain. I still grieve for the little boy I don't get to raise and yet at Good Friday services last week I was actually able to honestly thank God that my son is in heaven. And yet its really hard sometimes to cling to hope that this little son or daughter growing inside of me is an earthly child and not just a heavenly one.<br />
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When I talk to people about my pregnancy, everyone is so happy and excited for us, and I am too. But a small voice in the back of my mind is saying don't rejoice until I have a screaming baby in my arms. Its like something in me is just waiting for this joy to be taken away too. It hasn't kept me from loving this little olive (the size of a onion now) completely. I don't know how I could handle loosing another baby or for that matter how I could handle actually getting to take a baby home. All I can do is hope and trust in God's plan. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The whole family on Easter: Daddy, Mommy, Alexander (represented by the daffodil), and olive (still baking in my belly)</td></tr>
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Now to update you all on the beautiful cause of all these emotions:<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NRIb23rwCoA/T4nWkZP95MI/AAAAAAAAAJE/JMQdojw5w_Q/s1600/16+weeks+with+ultrasound.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NRIb23rwCoA/T4nWkZP95MI/AAAAAAAAAJE/JMQdojw5w_Q/s400/16+weeks+with+ultrasound.jpg" width="163" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">belly photo with the latest ultrasound photo</td></tr>
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I'm currently 17 weeks pregnant. I've been feeling little flutters and bumps for a couple weeks now but not consistently yet. Sometimes its hard to tell if its baby flutters or gas flutters. I'm really looking forward to when olive is a bit bigger and kicks and moves a bit harder and consistently. We just saw little olive again on Tuesday. He/she is doing beautifully and physically so am I. I don't normally keep track of my weight but during pregnancy its fun. Since my appointment at 9 weeks (I don't know my pre-pregnancy weight) I've gained all of 4.6 oz which is just under how much olive should weigh about now. He/she should also be about 5 inches long. In just two weeks we will be having the big ultrasound. Hopefully after that we don't have to call olive, olive anymore, but can give her/him a proper name. <br />
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So while I wait two more weeks to see my beautiful baby on the ultrasound screen again I'll be clinging to the Hope, Joy, and Love I have because of Christ.<br />
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"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." <i><strong style="font-weight: normal;">Romans 12:12</strong></i>Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08331168422471244204noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2477976757765420360.post-15283564869486161862012-03-19T21:22:00.000-07:002012-03-19T21:22:40.868-07:00A small PeachI haven't been on here much but wanted to update you all on our newest edition to the family.<br />
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Olive is growing quite well. At 13 weeks he/she is about the size of a small peach. I'm told that the baby is starting to make facial expressions this week. We had another appointment a week ago and here are some pictures of our olive. These are a bit blurrier than before, but I love them anyway.<br />
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Here is a photo by photo comparison of my belly with Alexander and my belly a week ago. I think they are about the same, don't you?<br />
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As for me my pants are getting a bit too snug to be comfortable. But they have this awesome invention called a belly-band that helps hold up your pants while they are unbuttoned so I don't have to be in maternity clothes yet. (I think I might keep it around for thanksgiving.) I haven't really had nausea with this pregnancy just lots of interesting intestinal issues. They seem to have begun to subside which means that my first trimester symptoms are slowly going away or that I've been eating foods my body likes better. I think I may be beginning to feel the smallest of flutters but it could also be gas. I am so looking forward to feeling this little one kicking me.<br />
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I'm so happy to be pregnant again and I wish so much I had my one year old toddling about and getting into things he isn't supposed. Trying to figure out how I can deal with two just about 18/19 months apart would be so much better than praying that I get to keep this one. But I am and this baby are completely in God's hands, and I trust that my heavenly father will use us for his glory and his plan. Whatever that may be.Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08331168422471244204noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2477976757765420360.post-85235418433895895602012-02-26T17:44:00.000-08:002012-02-26T17:44:25.491-08:00Tutorial: Memorial Accordion BookWelcome all you visitors from over at <a href="http://www.facebook.com/GriefJourneys">Grief Journeys</a>. This post is for you and all other baby loss When you loose a baby you still have this overwhelming urge as a mother to parent your child. A child in heaven doesn't really need parenting but the parenting need is still there. Creating memorial objects for your baby is a meaningful way to fill the need to parent and a creative way to work through the emotions that come with grief. From time to time I will create tutorials for projects I have made for Alexander, because I know many people need ideas and instructions for creative projects. Feel free to adapt or change the following project however you choose to fit your needs. And if you happen to be lucky enough to not be a baby loss parent this project is still great to create a lasting memory object for an event. This is also a project that can easily be done to include children of all ages.<br />
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This particular project is to create a memorial accordion book with pockets for note or cards to your baby. The example I made is for Alexander's first birthday that just passed. We asked friends and family to write brief notes to Alexander or to us explaining what his short life on earth has taught them. I wanted to create something to hold all these letters and so I turned to my ever expanding knowledge as a book-maker and this is what I came up with:<br />
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<b>Materials you will need are (most materials will need to be cut to the proper sizes): </b><br />
<ul><li>Paper Glue (My favorite is PVA)</li>
<li>a brush to apply the glue</li>
<li>ribbon</li>
<li>decorative paper, stickers, etc to decorate the cover </li>
<li>Scrap paper, an old magazine, or junk mail</li>
</ul>For the cover:<br />
<ul><li>two 8 1/2" x 5 1/2" pieces of sturdy cardboard or mat-board (not corrugated, cutting up the backing of a sketchbook works really well)</li>
<li>two 8 1/2" x 11"pieces of decorative paper (This is your main cover paper, I used scrap-booking paper)</li>
</ul>For the Pages: <br />
<ul><li>two 20" x 12 1/2" pieces of heavy drawing paper for the pages (I used brown craft paper, but white paper works just as well)</li>
<li>one 1 1/2"x 12 1/2" piece of heavy drawing paper (I used a scrap from what I had leftover after cutting the other paper) </li>
</ul><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Qv9vdCuw3MY/T0rV2BkLjDI/AAAAAAAAAGs/hrwm8rAl_Ns/s1600/IMAG0478.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="191" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Qv9vdCuw3MY/T0rV2BkLjDI/AAAAAAAAAGs/hrwm8rAl_Ns/s320/IMAG0478.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Gluing Tip: Whenever you are gluing place a piece of scrap paper under your work. I like to use an old magazine. This way it protects the table or floor you are working on. Anytime the scrap paper gets a lot of glue on it, fold it in half and throw it away. That way you won't get extra glue on your project.<br />
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<b>Step 1: Making the Cover</b><br />
Brush glue over one entire side of the sturdy cardboard<br />
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Place the cardboard glue side down in the middle of the wrong side of the decorative paper <br />
Press it down so the paper is nice and smooth<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-M4tSdt-RmXA/T0rXvs2McvI/AAAAAAAAAHE/Wthq-VxKCew/s1600/IMAG0481.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-M4tSdt-RmXA/T0rXvs2McvI/AAAAAAAAAHE/Wthq-VxKCew/s200/IMAG0481.jpg" width="119" /></a></div> Use those corners and glue them to the corners of the board, this will make the next step look even neater<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yV5ThrENUJM/T0rXzaU9g7I/AAAAAAAAAHM/rLD9RbLC1c4/s1600/IMAG0482.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yV5ThrENUJM/T0rXzaU9g7I/AAAAAAAAAHM/rLD9RbLC1c4/s200/IMAG0482.jpg" width="119" /></a></div> Fold and glue the remaining tabs down, making sure they are nice and smooth. This is what your finished cover board should look like:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-51Idv_9T1kE/T0rX4PrSVTI/AAAAAAAAAHU/t53hkNDI7mk/s1600/IMAG0483.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-51Idv_9T1kE/T0rX4PrSVTI/AAAAAAAAAHU/t53hkNDI7mk/s320/IMAG0483.jpg" width="190" /></a></div>Repeat with the other piece of cardboard and decorative paper, so you have two cover boards<br />
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<b>Step 2: Folding the pages</b><br />
Fold 4 inches of the heavy drawing paper up (This will make your pockets)<b> </b><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sTvhCwnJOoo/T0rZWDwFTJI/AAAAAAAAAHc/1qxnOcI_a38/s1600/IMAG0484.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="191" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sTvhCwnJOoo/T0rZWDwFTJI/AAAAAAAAAHc/1qxnOcI_a38/s320/IMAG0484.jpg" width="320" /></a></div> Fold your paper in half and then fold the ends back towards the center crease<br />
This should give you an accordion like the picture below<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-IXOzHZAoJiI/T0rZYt29tsI/AAAAAAAAAHk/ZHWhflGdw44/s1600/IMAG0485.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="119" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-IXOzHZAoJiI/T0rZYt29tsI/AAAAAAAAAHk/ZHWhflGdw44/s200/IMAG0485.jpg" width="200" /></a></div> Repeat with the second piece of heavy drawing paper<br />
<br />
<b>Step 3: Connecting the Pages</b><br />
fold 4 inches of the 1 1/2" piece of paper up<br />
then fold it in half<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-J-jJNogfvqs/T0rZctwK1iI/AAAAAAAAAHs/rJW_E8ZV05o/s1600/IMAG0486.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="191" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-J-jJNogfvqs/T0rZctwK1iI/AAAAAAAAAHs/rJW_E8ZV05o/s320/IMAG0486.jpg" width="320" /></a></div> Unfold it and apply glue to just the 4 inch section, carefully place this connector paper on the 4 inch flap of fist one set of pages and then the other.<br />
Flip the whole set of pages and connector over<br />
apply glue to the rest of the connector and fold it over the pages<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DYiX6k94KQ4/T0rZfzQvoyI/AAAAAAAAAH0/HI9u5mS9oSE/s1600/IMAG0487.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="191" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DYiX6k94KQ4/T0rZfzQvoyI/AAAAAAAAAH0/HI9u5mS9oSE/s320/IMAG0487.jpg" width="320" /></a></div> The connector should fold where the pages meet, so you get a long accordion (pictured bellow)<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_8YnBOC1uNE/T0rZiMzgN0I/AAAAAAAAAH8/ENt7VbSo8Rk/s1600/IMAG0488.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="191" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_8YnBOC1uNE/T0rZiMzgN0I/AAAAAAAAAH8/ENt7VbSo8Rk/s320/IMAG0488.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Feel free to make and connect more sets of pages if you need a bigger book.<br />
<b>Step 4: Attaching the Cover</b><br />
Fold up the accordion pages so the pockets are on the inside<br />
Place a piece of scrap paper between one end and the rest of the pages<br />
Paint glue on the entire back of the end<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-QRkWTFDfxu0/T0rcYMiS41I/AAAAAAAAAIE/aWEdw4r_Iko/s1600/IMAG0489.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-QRkWTFDfxu0/T0rcYMiS41I/AAAAAAAAAIE/aWEdw4r_Iko/s200/IMAG0489.jpg" width="119" /></a></div> Carefully center the glued page over one of your cover boards and smooth it out (This will cover the cardboard that still shows)<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wiSl-ETSe-A/T0rcaSdrChI/AAAAAAAAAIM/zZ3t1G4mhCk/s1600/IMAG0490.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wiSl-ETSe-A/T0rcaSdrChI/AAAAAAAAAIM/zZ3t1G4mhCk/s200/IMAG0490.jpg" width="119" /></a></div> Repeat the process on the other end of the pages with the other cover board<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7XuOL6vmQT0/T0rccwE2AgI/AAAAAAAAAIU/niS4Is4D8y0/s1600/IMAG0491.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7XuOL6vmQT0/T0rccwE2AgI/AAAAAAAAAIU/niS4Is4D8y0/s200/IMAG0491.jpg" width="119" /></a></div><b> </b>At this point you have a blank accordion book with pockets, feel free to decorate it as you choose. I used <a href="http://pinterest.com/pin/206461964136920321/">this idea from pintereast</a> to make the paper daffodil.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-kpnrd6rAEmM/T0rSglSTpPI/AAAAAAAAAGc/9IfcPbU-V0c/s1600/IMAG0492.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-kpnrd6rAEmM/T0rSglSTpPI/AAAAAAAAAGc/9IfcPbU-V0c/s320/IMAG0492.jpg" width="191" /></a></div> I glued ribbons to the back cover board, so I am able to tie my book closed. After you are done decorating your book fill the pockets with notes and cards to your baby. You could have your smaller children draw pictures to be placed in the pockets. I had to place some of the larger cards on the ends so they could stick out, because they wouldn't quite fit in the pockets.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4DWjb9FQ2rc/T0rSj2IF_yI/AAAAAAAAAGk/jWQLObIQi1M/s1600/IMAG0493.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="191" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4DWjb9FQ2rc/T0rSj2IF_yI/AAAAAAAAAGk/jWQLObIQi1M/s320/IMAG0493.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
Feel free to decorate the inside of your book, including the back of the pages. I plan to glue photos from Alexander's birthday party and write out the Random Acts of Kindness that were preformed in his memory on the back of this one.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-TOA6z53-k90/T0rdm9BcALI/AAAAAAAAAIc/zTrDxyjVQlM/s1600/IMAG0494.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-TOA6z53-k90/T0rdm9BcALI/AAAAAAAAAIc/zTrDxyjVQlM/s400/IMAG0494.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>Feel free to leave questions in the comments section. Let me know if you decide to make your own accordion book. I'd love to see your finished pieces.Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08331168422471244204noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2477976757765420360.post-83497793557956252892012-02-21T14:52:00.000-08:002012-02-21T14:52:48.836-08:00Expecting a RainbowWhat is a rainbow?<br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="color: red; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages</span></span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="color: #ff9900; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="color: #ff9900; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened</span> </span></span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="color: #ffff33; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #f1c232; text-align: center;"><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that</span></span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="color: #33cc00; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness </span></span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="color: #3333ff; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="color: #3333ff; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a </span></span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="color: #330099; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="color: #330099; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">counterbalance of color, energy and hope.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="color: #330099; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> </span></div>We are pregnant again! Alexander has a little brother or sister currently growing in my tummy right now.<br />
<br />
We had our first appointment today, and baby Olive is doing fine, measuring at 9 weeks and 3 days with a heart rate of 172 beats per min.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8bYc1GY1pk0/T0QfS2W3C0I/AAAAAAAAAGU/jN0C9BfjTaU/s1600/9+weeks+with+ultrasound+.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8bYc1GY1pk0/T0QfS2W3C0I/AAAAAAAAAGU/jN0C9BfjTaU/s320/9+weeks+with+ultrasound+.jpg" width="153" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><br />
We are calling the baby Olive. We started calling the baby by whatever my phone app said it was the size of in a given week, blueberry, raspberry, olive, etc. Well this week the baby is the size of a prune and I refuse to call a child a prune. Also the letters in Olive can be rearranged to "I love" and has the word "live" in it. So until we know this baby's gender its name is Olive.<br />
<br />
I'll admit I've been pretty anxious, especially the last few days. I now know pregnancy doesn't always end with a baby coming home and its scary. Alexander's birthday just passed with all the emotions and memories along with it and I have pregnancy hormones in my system. I've already been so emotional missing Alexander while having cautious hope and joy for Olive. But ultimately it is out of my control. This child, like every child on this planet belongs to God. Olive is God's baby. I'm hoping that God's plan is for Olive to be born and grow up to do work on earth, but I know that no matter what Olive's future is I already love this little life growing inside me.<br />
<br />
<i> Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17</i><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rN2zZE8U_B4/T0QfDTgHGHI/AAAAAAAAAGM/pM1TCgnb0i0/s1600/9+week+ultrasound+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rN2zZE8U_B4/T0QfDTgHGHI/AAAAAAAAAGM/pM1TCgnb0i0/s640/9+week+ultrasound+copy.jpg" width="464" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You can see Olive's head and body and little limb buds. I love the top left picture where it looks like Olive is waving.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
Olive isn't a replacement for Alexander but a new addition to this little family of mine. I do and always will miss my baby boy. He's a big brother now and I know that thrills him to pieces. We are a family of 4 now, three on earth one in heaven. <br />
<br />
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</style> <![endif]--> </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; font-family: inherit; line-height: normal;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"><b>We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today. ~Stacia Tauscher</b></span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; font-family: inherit; line-height: normal;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; font-family: inherit; line-height: normal;"><i style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b> </b></span></i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I will cherish all the time I have with you sweet baby Olive.</span></span></div>Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08331168422471244204noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2477976757765420360.post-66538451850945359242012-02-13T21:48:00.000-08:002012-02-13T21:48:16.326-08:00Whats is a Name? My post this week comes out of a blog prompt from <a href="http://blog.sufficientgraceministries.org/category/walking-with-you/">Sufficient Grace Ministries.</a><br />
<br />
When we found out Alexander was indeed a boy, right around 17 weeks, we had a girl name picked out and a boy's middle name. Now we actually had to figure out a boys name. We had a few that we were thinking about.<br />
<br />
We were beginning to settle on a name and I got a feeling that if we named him we wouldn't get to keep him. I thought it was completely irrational but it put off deciding on an official name for several weeks. We continued to talk and eventually settled upon Alexander Michael but I still wouldn't make it official. I convinced myself I was being completely irrational and that we had already decided a name anyway. The feeling had pretty much gone away although the nagging thought that we wouldn't be able to keep him whether we named him or not did arise on occasion. <br />
<br />
Whatever my nagging feelings were our baby had a name. Alexander because it was a name we liked, Michael because its a family name on both sides. Alexander meaning "Defender of Mankind", Michael meaning "Who is like God?" Really this sweet boy who was here for a far to short amount of time has taught me so much about what it means to minister to and defend mankind, especially our gentle fragile hearts and he has taught me about God. Because really, who is like God? No one else understands why things happen and no one else ensures things work out for good. No one else can give us an unexplainable peace when the world is crashing down around us. Who is like God? No one.<br />
<br />
For his birthday this past weekend we asked friends and family to write notes letting us know what Alexander's short life had taught us. This is an excerpt from what one dear friend wrote:<br />
<br />
<i>You share the name of Alexander the Great, conqueror of nations and philosopher warrior; Michael, a mighty guardian of God's people; and the Greatest of all, the name of your family, loyal and loving friends.</i><br />
....<br />
<i>Your life however</i> <i>breif, was not without meaning. You touched my heart, reminding me of life's frailty and beauty. You helped me to realize that even death itself is not an end, but a new begining. Your name, your memory, endures as a constant reminder of the many blessings we are each given daily and the beautiful conundrum that life really is.</i><br />
<i>Your life is an enduring blessing in mine and I look forward to when we next meet. Thank you Alexander. You are a conqueror and guardian of our hearts, and our friend.</i><i> </i><br />
<br />
And its true Alexander is the conqueror and defender of many hearts, mine included. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OBlfv3pp5p8/Tzn1cSwsuzI/AAAAAAAAAF8/TN-brxdNWCg/s1600/scotland+rosemarkie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OBlfv3pp5p8/Tzn1cSwsuzI/AAAAAAAAAF8/TN-brxdNWCg/s320/scotland+rosemarkie.jpg" width="231" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">taken by a different dear friend in Scotland </td></tr>
</tbody></table>Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08331168422471244204noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2477976757765420360.post-77266121186920793262012-02-10T14:59:00.000-08:002012-02-10T14:59:26.328-08:00Happy Birthday Baby BoyIt's Alexander's first birthday. We should be introducing him to cake and helping him open presents. Instead he is playing under the throne of God and probably keeping some saints and angels pretty busy. Could you imagine heaven without children? I sure can't. They are one of the most pure beautiful things we have in this world. Yes they are a load of trouble, but trouble that most people will willing deal with just for a goofy smile or a hug.<br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><i> Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”<span> Matthew 19:14 </span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br />
</span><br />
I know Alexander is happy and being taken care of and I find peace in that. I miss him more than anything and long for the time when I will be able to see a goofy grin of his and give him a great big hug. I thought this day would be harder but it isn't, partially because I know my baby is safe and will never feel sorrow or pain.<br />
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We have had some neat things happening around here lately that remind me of Alexander, daffodils are sprouting,<br />
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skies are beautiful (my boy paints them so beautifully),<br />
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mystery plants turn out to be daffodils, and birds are singing. <br />
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We have a hawk nest in the neighborhood. When those momma and daddy hawks are there those babies are so loud. When the parents are not there the babies are silent. Do you notice that we can cry out to God whenever we want as loud as we want, because our heavenly father is always there. He is the one who brings us ultimate peace.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TrHdAEy2wH8/TzWgD4HTljI/AAAAAAAAAFc/mQHA_YS3Xms/s1600/IMAG0389.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="191" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TrHdAEy2wH8/TzWgD4HTljI/AAAAAAAAAFc/mQHA_YS3Xms/s320/IMAG0389.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Its hard too see but if you look in the middle of the tree you can see the nest and momma hawk.</td></tr>
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For now I hold peace in my heart and visions of my babe playing in heaven, painting the sky for me in my head, while I look toward the day when I can join him and embrace my savior, my son, and my other loved ones who live in glory.<br />
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Until then we will remember and celebrate that sweet boy's life every year. That short little life who has touched so many in ways I'm aware of and ways I am unaware of. If the many random acts of kindness being committed today in his memory is all he has accomplished with his life that is more than many lives accomplish with much more time spent on this earth.<br />
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<i>"I will go to him, but he will not return to me.” 2 Samuel 12:23b </i><br />
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I love you Alexander. Thank you for everything you have taught me and will teach me about love and life. Happy Birthday Sweet Boy.Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08331168422471244204noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2477976757765420360.post-80113682081737112372012-01-30T19:39:00.000-08:002012-01-30T19:43:20.310-08:00A Letting Go My post this week comes out of a blog prompt from <a href="http://blog.sufficientgraceministries.org/category/walking-with-you/">Sufficient Grace Ministries</a> and is a continuation of Alexander's birth story that started<a href="http://paintedcloudsandrainbows.blogspot.com/2012/01/finding-out-you-were-born-into-heaven.html"> three weeks ago</a> and will continue for several weeks more. I wrote about saying hello to Alexander last week and this week I'll write about saying goodbye.<br />
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When you are expecting a baby you don't think about having to make arrangements with a funeral home. When I knew that Alexander wouldn't come home with us from the hospital I still didn't think about having to make arrangements for his little body. The nurses gave us a list of funeral homes in the area and asked us who to call. I didn't even know where to begin. Thankfully my pastor stepped in and told us about a few on the list, to help us make our decision.<br />
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We had decided we wanted him cremated and we wanted to scatter his ashes someplace natural and beautiful. Its what we both wanted to happen to our bodies when we die, so it was a natural choice for our son. <br />
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We were able to pick up Alexander's ashes a few weeks later. They were in a box, wrapped in paper, placed in a velvet bag. I placed his ashes in his crib, his room still set up to welcome him home, and covered them with the blanket I had made. We told him good night every night before bed.<br />
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In April during spring break we made the 8 hour drive up to Humboldt county. Alexander's ashes resting in his box, bundled up in his blanket, and placed in my backpack. We had decided to scatter Alexander's ashes in the redwood forests that we loved, had studied under, and met under. We picked up a friend along the way, stayed with yet another friend, and two more friends joined us to scatter his ashes.<br />
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It was Palm Sunday April 17, 2011, the beginning of holy week, a time of remembering Christ's death on the cross but also a time for remembering his resurrection. The very same death and resurrection that assured me that Alexander was in Christ's arms the second his heart stopped. It was also April, in Humboldt, which meant it was raining. The rain fit, like the sky was weeping with us as we said goodbye. We drove out to Prairie Creek Redwoods State Park and hiked up the the West Ridge Trail. My husband carrying Alexander's ashes in the backpack. Oh how I wished that it was a healthy, happy little boy he was carrying in a child carrier on a warm sunny day.<br />
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We hiked a ways with our 4 friends, then went a bit off the trail. We came to a clearing, made by a fallen giant. It was beautiful, the new life that sprung up from that fallen tree. We walked out onto the log and we unwrapped Alexander's ashes. My husband scattered the ashes throughout the clearing, flinging them in one wide ark as the rain quietly fell. I held Alexander's blanket. I had chosen some verses and a poem to read. I knew I would not be able to get through them myself. I asked our friends, Alexander's god parents to read them. <br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><i><span style="font-size: small;">When we lose someone we love it seems that time stands still. What moves through us is a silence, a quiet sadness. A longing for one more day, one more word, one more touch, We may not understand why you left this earth so soon, or why you left before we were ready to say good-bye, but little by little, we begin to remember not just that you died, but that you lived. And that your life gave us memories too beautiful to forget. We will see you again someday, in a heavenly place where there is no parting. A place where there are no words that mean good-bye. ~Irish funeral prayer</span></i></div><br />
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We held each other as these verses were read: <br />
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Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”<span style="font-size: small;"> Matthew 19:14 </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"> </span>So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy<span style="font-size: small; font-weight: normal;">. John 16:22</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Fil-6mtp_nY/TydhJYWh09I/AAAAAAAAAEs/6oOHlwaX0ts/s1600/013.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Fil-6mtp_nY/TydhJYWh09I/AAAAAAAAAEs/6oOHlwaX0ts/s320/013.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><h4 style="color: black; font-weight: normal;"><b><span style="font-size: small;">Psalm 46</span></b></h4> <sup>1</sup> God is our refuge and strength, <br />
an ever-present help in trouble. <br />
<sup>2</sup> Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way <br />
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, <br />
<sup>3</sup> though its waters roar and foam <br />
and the mountains quake with their surging.<sup>[</sup><a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+46&version=NIV#fen-NIV-14618c" title="See footnote c"><sup>c</sup></a><sup>]</sup> <br />
<sup>4</sup> There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, <br />
the holy place where the Most High dwells. <br />
<sup>5</sup> God is within her, she will not fall; <br />
God will help her at break of day. <br />
<sup>6</sup> Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; <br />
he lifts his voice, the earth melts. <br />
<sup>7</sup> The LORD Almighty is with us; <br />
the God of Jacob is our fortress. <br />
<sup>8</sup> Come and see what the LORD has done, <br />
the desolations he has brought on the earth. <br />
<sup>9</sup> He makes wars cease <br />
to the ends of the earth. <br />
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear; <br />
he burns the shields<sup>[</sup><a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+46&version=NIV#fen-NIV-14624d" title="See footnote d"><sup>d</sup></a><sup>]</sup> with fire. <br />
<sup>10</sup> He says, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“Be still, and know that I am God</b>; <br />
I will be exalted among the nations, <br />
I will be exalted in the earth.” <br />
<sup>11</sup> The LORD Almighty is with us; <br />
the God of Jacob is our fortress.<br />
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My husband said some words to Alexander. He told his son about the forest, how much it meant to us, how beautiful it was even when it was raining, and how he could enjoy running through it or just sitting peacefully. We said goodbye and walked away. A weight had been lifted off of our shoulders. We still missed our baby boy, but there was a letting go, an acknowledgement that he was gone, he was no longer ours to take care of.<br />
<br />
<br />
We decided not to have a memorial service. I felt the prayer in the hospital and the scattering of ashes was enough. I wasn't sure how I could celebrate the memory of a baby that never took a breath at the time. I know now how to remember his life with love, even a sort of happiness, and a definite peace. And we will be celebrating his life on his first birthday in just a few weeks with friends and family that have been supportive this past year. People we know who have been affected by Alexander's death but more importantly have been affected by his life. <br />
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Please join us in celebrating the memory of Alexander's life in just a couple weeks on Friday, February 10 by committing a random act of kindness. It could be something big or small as long as its kindness in memory of Alexander. If you do do something let us know what you did.Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08331168422471244204noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2477976757765420360.post-81995540384888204162012-01-23T21:14:00.000-08:002012-01-23T21:14:31.004-08:00Saying HelloMy post this week comes out of a blog prompt from <a href="http://blog.sufficientgraceministries.org/category/walking-with-you/">Sufficient Grace Ministries</a> and is a continuation of Alexander's birth story that started<a href="http://paintedcloudsandrainbows.blogspot.com/2012/01/finding-out-you-were-born-into-heaven.html"> two weeks ago</a> and continued <a href="http://paintedcloudsandrainbows.blogspot.com/2012/01/waiting-to-say-hello-waiting-to-say.html">last week</a>. Everything is a bit jumbled by way of what order it happened in.<br />
<br />
Alexander Michael Armes was silently born at 5:42 am on February 10, 2011. He weighed 6 lb 10 oz, was 20 inches long and had sandy brown hair. The nurses took him, cleaned him up a bit, wrapped him in a blanket, placed a knit hat on him and placed him in my arms.<br />
I don't think I looked at him at first. I just held him and felt his weight cradled in my right arm. They said he probably would have been closer to 8 lbs if he had been alive, he had lost water weight. He felt so good in my arms, but it was a limp weight. I long for the squirmy weight of my living son in my arms, his little hands reaching up to grab hair and face. I still do.<br />
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He was hard to look at, at first. Our earthly bodies are so delicate and begin to deteriorate the minute we die. Alexander had been gone for a couple days. He was bruised and broken. |My mother said "Oh, honey he is beautiful." Just as if he had been alive. I looked at him more carefully. He was beautiful. His nose was smashed but I think it was his daddy's. His daddy says it was mine. His cheeks were chubby just as all babies' cheeks should be.<br />
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I held him for a while then I offered him to my husband. He wasn't sure if he wanted to hold or see Alexander, but he did. I think we are both glad of it. He held him for a short time. My mom and my dad also took turns holding him.<br />
<br />
I had brought a pajama/outfit to dress him in. It was supposed to be his coming home outfit. I also had brought a supper soft organic cotton receiving blanket to wrap him in. So my mom helped me unwrap him from the blanket the nurses had put him in. We looked at his little body. It was perfect. Long arms and long legs just like his mommy and his daddy. He had my hands with long tapered fingers, hands of an artist. He had these feet like large wedges. My mother-in-law told me later they looked like my husband's dad's feet. His feet and hands were so big. His feet were over 2 1/2 inches long. If babies are anything like puppies and grow into their feet he was going to be a big guy just like his daddy. We carefully dressed him in his outfit and wrapped him in his blanket.<br />
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I didn't wrap him in his blanket that I had made, because I didn't want to get it dirty and it is so big. I wish now I had laid him on it to take pictures but I didn't think I wanted pictures. I had seen this exhibit of Victorian Death Photography when I was a child. I thought it was so weird to take pictures of people after they were dead. I really understand it now, especially when those are the only photos you will ever be able to take. The nurse offered to call a photographer from the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Foundation, a wonderful foundation that offers free professional photography to families of stillborn or very sick infants. I turned it down. I didn't want to remember Alexander as dead. I did ask for foot prints, hand prints, and a lock of hair.<br />
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One of the nurses spent so much time getting good hand prints for me. Alexander's fingers kept curling, but with the help of my mom they were able to get good hand prints for me. I love those little hand and foot prints. She also convinced me that I wanted photos of his hands and feet. She also took a few of his face and placed them in a memory box for us. She said they were there if I ever wanted them, but I didn't have to look at them if I didn't want to. I'm so glad I have them now. I wish I had one of me holding Alexander.<br />
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I didn't actually hold him or cuddle him that much. I held him for a while and then had him placed on the baby cart where they measure the babies. I wanted him with me in my room, but I didn't feel the need to hold him. He wasn't there. It was just a body. He was already being held by Christ. I did get up, walk over and look at him resting peacefully several times. He was so beautiful and it broke my heart to look at him.<br />
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My pastor came in. She asked if she could look at him. Of course she could. She prayed with us some more, and I asked her to put a rose on the alter that next Sunday, just like they did for all the other babies that were born in the congregation. She asked me pink or red. I said red.<br />
<br />
My dr. came to see how we were doing, even though she wasn't on duty for labor and delivery that day. She gave us a note for our memory box. The nurses brought in a beautiful paper box/coffin made of handmade paper that had flower petals and leaves in it. She arranged Alexander's body in it and left it open for us. I didn't want him shut in a box or taken by the funeral home until after we had left.<br />
<br />
I was antsy. It seemed like I had been waiting so long to labor and give birth and now I was waiting to go home. The let me go home that afternoon. My body was doing really well. We got everything together. My dad took my bags out to the car. I got into the wheel chair and then couldn't find my husband. He appeared shortly. I asked him what he had been doing. He said he was saying goodbye. I stood up. I couldn't believe I hadn't said goodbye. I walked back in the room, and kissed Alexander for the first and last time.<br />
<br />
The nurse wheeled me out of the hospital holding a small purple box and an empty blanket instead of my baby boy. I wondered if people who saw me knew about my broken heart. Leaving with empty arms was the hardest part. It made it final. My baby was with Jesus. Alexander spent his short life on earth entirely in my womb. His life changed our lives forever.<br />
<br />
"Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days of ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:16Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08331168422471244204noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2477976757765420360.post-28524118937807694112012-01-19T17:35:00.000-08:002012-01-19T17:35:41.511-08:00Painted Clouds Always Cheer Up MommyI had a pretty hard time last night missing my baby boy a whole lot, wondering what he'd be like. This song pretty much sums up my feelings:<br />
<br />
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<strong>Gone Too Soon lyrics</strong><br />
<br />
today could've been the day<br />
that you blow out your candles<br />
make a wish as you close your eyes<br />
today could've been the day<br />
everybody was laughin'<br />
instead i just sit here and cry<br />
who would you be?<br />
what would you look like<br />
when you looked at me for the very first time?<br />
today could've been the next day of the rest of your life<br />
<br />
<br />
not a day goes by that i don't think of you<br />
i'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose<br />
such a ray of light we never knew<br />
gone too soon, yeah<br />
<br />
would you have been president?<br />
or a painter, an author or sing like your mother<br />
one thing is evident<br />
would've given all i had<br />
would've loved ya like no other<br />
<br />
who would you be?<br />
what would you look like?<br />
would you have my smile and her eyes?<br />
today could've been the next day of the rest of your life<br />
<br />
not a day goes by that i don't think of you<br />
i'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose<br />
such a ray of light we never knew<br />
gone too soon, yeah<br />
<br />
not a day goes by, oh<br />
i'm always asking why, oh<br />
<br />
not a day goes by that i don't think of you<br />
i'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose<br />
such a beautiful life we never knew<br />
gone too soon<br />
you were gone too soon, yeah<br />
<br />
and not a day goes by<br />
that i don't think of you<br />
<br />
<br />
Although my husband likes to sing it "would you have been president? or a <i>singer</i>, an author, or <i>paint</i> like your mother..."<br />
<br />
I like to think of Alexander painting up in heaven. Creating art with him as he grew up is one of the things that I miss the most. So whenever I see "painted clouds" I like to think that he was in heaven painting me a special picture. As I woke up this morning the sunrise was beautiful out my window. Very subtle pink clouds filled the sky. Then on the drive to school in the morning we saw this:<br />
<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">Alexander's way of telling us that he loves us too.</div>Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08331168422471244204noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2477976757765420360.post-13985255301231328662012-01-16T15:21:00.000-08:002012-01-16T15:21:45.132-08:00Waiting to Say Hello, Waiting to Say GoodbyeMy post this week comes out of a blog prompt from <a href="http://blog.sufficientgraceministries.org/category/walking-with-you/">Sufficient Grace Ministries</a> and is a continuation of Alexander's birth story that started<a href="http://paintedcloudsandrainbows.blogspot.com/2012/01/finding-out-you-were-born-into-heaven.html"> last week</a>. <br />
<br />
After confirming that Alexander had died and figuring out what happened next. We drove home from the hospital/Dr's office to wait and prepare for the next day when we would induce labor. We drove home with the empty car-seat installed in the back seat that had been waiting to protect our little boy. A car-seat that would never hold my baby boy. We didn't talk much, my husband didn't want to break down while driving.<br />
<br />
We got home, it seemed late that evening in February. I went back into the bedroom to call my parents, while my husband called his and put something together for dinner. Neither of us were very hungry but we needed to eat something for physical strength the next day. I called my mom, she immediately knew something was wrong as I tried to choke back sobs so I could talk. I told that Alexander had died. She asked what happened and if I needed them to come up right away. I asked her to tell my brothers and my grandma, anyone who needed to know. My dad and she would drive up the next day to be there for me when we induced labor. My parents were supposed to come up after Alexander was born and stay with us for a week to help out with their new grandson. My husband had a similar conversation with his mom. His family would come down for a visit in a few weeks to grieve with us instead of cooing over their first grandbaby.<br />
<br />
I called my pastor. It took a couple calls to reach her that time of night she was in meetings. She asked if she could come over right then. I said yes. By the time she showed up at our door my husband had heated up some leftovers, stuffed french-toast he had made earlier that week as a celebration meal for my last week of school before Alexander arrived. The celebration food had turned into just something to eat. My pastor prayed with us, I think she read a bible passage or two, I don't remember. She asked if she could come to the hospital the next day before we induced. I told her yes.<br />
<br />
I got on the computer and emailed my principal and his secretary to tell them I wouldn't be into work the next day. I was going to work one more day before going on maternity leave. I told them they could inform the staff but I didn't want phone calls or visits right then. I sent in lesson plans for the rest of the week and even finished and submitted my grades. I know most people wouldn't bother because family comes first but I needed to focus on something else just then. It was still early for bed but we decided to try to get some sleep anyway. I thought maybe I could go to sleep and wake up with it all being a dream.<br />
<br />
Neither my husband or I slept much at all that night. We mostly held each other and cried off and on all night. We finally decided we weren't going to get any sleep and got out of bed around 3 am. Thus began the longest day of my life February 9th, 2011. <br />
<br />
I sat down on the couch and got out the blanket I was making for Alexander. I had started it before he was even conceived. I had worked on it throughout my pregnancy with him. It was practically finished. I made it in three panels and they just had to be hand sewn together. I cried and held it and after a while I began to sew it together.<br />
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I had to finish it for him, even if he would never be wrapped in it or sit on it and play. I did finish his blanket, it was stunning, a work of art and one of my few comforts in the coming days.<br />
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My husband brought me some water or maybe tea and asked If I needed anything. I said we should watch a movie. We put on "Stardust" a beautiful fantasy movie about love and good triumphing over evil. I had forgotten that it started with a baby being left on a doorstep. <br />
<br />
After the movie we sat around, I think we may have taken showers, eaten breakfast, and gotten dressed at some point. I don't remember. I do know at some point we decided we needed to leave the apartment, the apartment that was ready to have a baby come home to it. The nursery was all set up, clothes washed and sorted, folded and put away into drawers. All the handmade gifts for Alexander, from my family, from my husband's family would never be used by him. It hurt to be there, I was restless, I wanted to do something, but all I could do was wait.<br />
<br />
We drove to a park that we liked to walk in. We walked, and walked, and walked, stopping on occasion to hold each other and cry. I scowled at the man pushing a stroller with a toddler in it while drinking a beer. We could have walked forever, but my body still 9 months pregnant was hungry and beginning to give me some pain in my hip and lower back. We talked to my parents, they were an hour or so away. They would take us to lunch when they got there. We went out and got something to eat anyway.<br />
<br />
My parents did arrive. My mom held me in one of those hugs only moms know how to give. She said she was so sorry as she cried with me. We went to lunch, I ate the soup and salad bar. We went back home. I had my husband get my hospital bags out of our car. I repacked them. I took the outfit I had picked out as Alexander's coming home outfit and an organic cotton receiving blanket that was so soft. I placed those items in my bag. I took out the camera and left it and the diaper bag at home.<br />
<br />
My parents drove us to the hospital. We walked up to labor and delivery where we waited to be checked in at the desk for my appointment to induce at 5:30 pm. After sitting there for too long (thankfully no women in labor came in during that time) we were taken to room 12. The room furthest away from all the other rooms, our door had a flower on it. I got dressed in the hospital gown, a nurse came to take blood samples for testing and set up my IV. The dr. came to talk to us. We discussed pain medication. Originally I didn't want any pain medication, but now Alexander was dead I was all for not feeling physical pain. I had emotional pain to deal with. He asked if I wanted to have one more ultrasound just to make sure. I declined. I couldn't hear those words again. He said he would be back to start the induction soon. My pastor arrived and read some bible verses and prayed with us. I think we sang Jesus loves me, I don't remember.We waited, and waited. I was hungry. The nursing staff brought us some food to eat. They said the dr. was doing an emergency c-section and would be there soon. My pastor went home for the night and said she would be back in the morning.<br />
<br />
Right before 8 pm the dr came and put a pill up by my cervix to induce labor. Then the shift changed and I met new nurses and a new dr. They gave me an ambien to help me sleep. My parents went back to our house to try and get some sleep. My husband slept on the couch in the labor and delivery room. A lab tech came in to draw 14 more vials of blood. The new dr. had ordered more blood tests to see if there was an infection that cause Alexander's death. The new dr. came in from time to time to see how thing were progressing, he placed another pill by my cervix. I went from not dilated or effaced at all to like 4-5 cm in a few hours. He broke my water. Throughout this whole time I was sleeping between interruptions. At around 3am I woke up and was unable to go back to sleep because I was actually feeling my contractions.<br />
<br />
That's about the time my parents arrived back at the hospital. I sent my dad back home to get the blanket I made for Alexander. I wanted to hold it. The nurses gave me something through the IV for the pain and started giving me fluids so I could get an epidural. I labored for what seemed like a long time. My dad came back at some point. I held that blanket for a time then gave it to my mom so it wouldn't get dirty. I asked for an epidural, the nurses said the dr. changed the order for a spinal tap because I was progressing so quickly. The anesthesiologist would be here soon. I had a lot of back labor and used the cow position (on hands and knees) I learned in prenatal yoga to help alleviate it. My husband squeezed my hips together like they taught us in our labor and delivery class. I felt like I needed to push and told the nurse. She let my try to push once and said it wouldn't be much longer.<br />
<br />
The anesthesiologist was coming. So the sent everyone but my husband out of the room. The nurse told me to sit on the edge of the bed. I said I couldn't. She said yes you can and tried to help me. I tried but I couldn't I said "He is coming!" She said yes he's right outside the door, you just need to sit down. I said "no the baby is coming!" and she looked and Alexander was crowning. I gave birth to him after 3 short hours of hard labor, not having an epidural or a spinal tap. The nurses took him to clean him up before I met him.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">It seemed like forever, but it was only a day. We waited to finally say hello, knowing we had to also say goodbye. </div><div style="text-align: center;"> </div><div style="text-align: center;">Alexander Michael Armes was silently born at 5:42 am on February 10, 2011.</div>Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08331168422471244204noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2477976757765420360.post-63989150799412786362012-01-10T20:59:00.000-08:002012-01-10T20:59:39.477-08:00Finding Out You Were Born into HeavenToday it has been 11 months since Alexander was born which means we're approaching his birthday. I had been thinking about how to tell his story, the story of how he was born into heaven and born on earth. Then I ran across these blog prompts called "walking with you" created by <a href="http://blog.sufficientgraceministries.org/2012/01/walking-with-you-bereavement-support/">Sufficient Grace Ministries</a>. It was an answer to my question of how to include all the the important details without writing a novel.<br />
<br />
So here it goes:<br />
<br />
The story of Finding Out You Were Born to Heaven<br />
<br />
Right around 36 weeks towards the middle of January I started becoming concerned because Alexander wasn't moving as much. I asked every pregnant woman and previously pregnant woman I could find if it was normal. Some said their babies moved a lot the whole pregnancy. Most said it was normal because the baby had less room. I mentioned it to the Dr. at our appointment and she said it was normal for the baby to slow down. If I was concerned to stop and do a kick count. Alexander's heart was nice and strong that day, everything was normal and looked good. I would come back in 2 weeks and then again 1 week after that. I actually made a appointment for my due date. I was hoping Alexander would make his appearance before then. I couldn't wait to meet him.<br />
<br />
Off and on for the next 2 weeks or so I would have anxiety about his movements but I shrugged it off as hormonal irrational fears. Alexander hiccuped constantly. I was still teaching and I would see my belly jump with each hiccup. I would gently pat my belly and feel a thumpy kick back. I did several kick counts during those two weeks, not knowing the importance of doing them regularly every day. He didn't move nearly as much as he did when I first did kick counts earlier in pregnancy. I remember crying during Church Sunday Morning on Feb 6th praying that Alexander would be all right. I felt completely irrational doing that at the time.<br />
<br />
I had planned to work up until Feb 9th a week before my due date. I didn't want to take too much time off before because I knew I would go stir crazy at home, and everything was ready for him. Progress report grades were due on the 9th so I thought it was the perfect time. I'd turn in grades, finish writing 7 weeks of lesson plans and leave my classes in the hands of a stranger.<br />
<br />
On Tuesday Feb 8th 2011 my husband picked me up from school and we went to my Dr.'s appointment. I was 38 weeks and 6 days. As always the nurse came to get me and weighed me and took my blood pressure. I then met my husband in the exam room. My dr. came in and asked how I was doing. I was good, tired but good. I was going to go to work for one more day and then it was hanging out at home until I went into labor.<br />
<br />
She got the doppler out to check Alexander's heart beat. But she didn't find it. I knew there was something wrong. She always found it right away. It was so strong it was easy to find even when he was tiny. She said that sometimes the babies move and make it difficult to find. She would go get the ultrasound machine and come back. I was so worried at this point. My husband was holding my hand, looking worried alternating between telling me it would be okay and asking Alexander to help us out. The Dr. came back with the ultrasound and said that the fluid was low and she was having trouble finding a heart beat. She was going to go get the grey-haired expert (a more experienced dr.). I was asked multiple times if my water had broken because the fluid was so low. I said over and over, when I was asked again I didn't know. I didn't think so but maybe it broke in the shower or something. This was my first pregnancy, its supposed to be obvious when your water breaks. Isn't it? I was also asked when the last time I felt movement was. I wasn't sure. I thought I had just felt a weak movement in the exam room, but that's all I had felt recently, weak movements.<br />
<br />
The expert didn't see anything either. My dr. said she would send us down to radiology to the big ultrasound machine to make sure. When we were done in radiology we were supposed to go back up and talk to her. Someone would meet us there. I sat and cried, trying to hold back, to grasp for hope. She said she was sorry and gave me a hug. We went down and checked in at the radiology desk, but the woman behind the counter didn't know what was going on. She gave me a bottle of water to drink and told us to wait. I don't know how long we waited but it seemed like too long. My husband went and talked to the lady and she took us back to sit on a bench outside the ultrasound room. Someone would be with us in a minute, the machine was in use. The room we saw Alexander move in, the room we found out he was a boy in. The whole time my husband was talking to me, trying to tell me it would be okay. We were both holding on to that tiny bit of hope that was left.<br />
<br />
The ultrasound tech finally came and found us. She apologized it took so long that we weren't where she expected to find us. She took us back into the hospital part of the building. It was more of a curtained off part of the hall set up for ultrasound. She put the thing on my tummy and looked around for a while, longer than she probably should have. Finally those words "I'm sorry." I finally let go and wailed. That heart wrenching cry that's between a sob and a scream. That cry you see in movies when a mother's child is killed and you think they are over acting, but it makes you tear up anyway. My husband just held me for a while and we cried together. Our baby was dead. We wouldn't get to take him home. I wouldn't get to see him smile or change a dirty diaper or complain about sleepless nights. I wouldn't get to breastfeed him or teach him about art when he was older.<br />
<br />
We did go back upstairs to talk to the dr. To find out what happens next. I think I even asked if we had him right then could they bring him back. After talking with the dr. we decided to induce the following evening. I wanted time to process things and rest up for labor. How could I go through labor knowing that my baby would never cry? <br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">We drove home to wait. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">Alexander Michael Armes was born into heaven before he was born on earth.</div><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"> "<span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text">I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me." 2 Samuel 12:23</span></div>Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08331168422471244204noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2477976757765420360.post-86851744773469598762012-01-04T14:04:00.000-08:002012-01-04T14:04:09.567-08:00Cherish: A Word for 2012I'm not one to ever make New Year's resolutions. I figure if I want to change something in my life I don't have to wait for a new year to begin. I make monthly resolutions, weekly resolutions, daily resolutions, sometimes hourly resolutions. Adding or subtracting things from my life as I go. However this year several friends (check out their blogs <a href="http://hopesjourneyblog.blogspot.com/">here</a> and<a href="http://sebastianlevi.blogspot.com/"> here</a>) introduced me to the concept of <a href="http://myoneword.org/">My One Word</a>. Choosing one word for the year to exemplify what direction my life and my relationship with God will take. I loved this idea and quickly started thinking about a word for 2012. Who knew choosing just One word could be so difficult. Yes, I should have known. I have a minor in creative writing. I really want to choose more than one.<br />
<br />
I thought about the word hope. After having my hopes and dreams for a life with a new baby boy come crashing down around me last February I had a hard time holding onto hope. Thinking about it for a while my hope was never lost. Its a good word but it didn't quite fit entirely.<br />
<br />
Patience was the next word that I had in mind. I feel like I've been waiting forever. I waited for a couple years until we thought we were ready for a baby. I waited while I was pregnant to be able to hold Alexander in my arms and take him home. I didn't get to take him home and the waiting continued. I've been waiting this past year until it was time for us to try to conceive again, and now I'm waiting for the day we find out we are pregnant again (hopefully sooner rather than later). But than the waiting to meet that new baby starts all over again. And I feel like while I need to be patient, I also feel like I need to stop focusing on the waiting. I need to focus on the living right now because I will always be waiting for something and ultimately I'm waiting to meet my creator, hug my savior, and hold my boy in heaven again.<br />
<br />
So then the word: cherish came to mind, to focus on cherishing the time I have with the people that matter, cherishing the time I'm given to use my talents and work in this world, to cherish this world and my relationship with my creator. Its a great word and its something that I need to focus on. If/when I get pregnant this year I want to focus on cherishing the time I have with that precious soul that will be growing inside me, whether that time is a moment or a lifetime. I want to focus on cherishing the wonderful relationship I have with my husband, because sadly not every one has that. I want to cherish the tings we do this year for Alexander. Tending his place in the garden, walking in his name to raise money for March for Dimes, using my artistic gifts to help other baby loss parents heal just a little bit. I want to cherish the quiet times I set aside for myself to be with my creator.<br />
<br />
Intentionally and consciously cherishing the people, things, and time we are given is difficult. I often, like so many people, get caught up in the business of things that need to be done, distracted by the things that don't matter, or consumed by worry and the what ifs. I ask God this year to help me to focus on cherishing every aspect of my life, to slow down and pay attention to what I have and what I am doing.<br />
<br />
Something I am cherishing today is noticing that the daffodils we planted for Alexander in the fall are beginning to sprout.<br />
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<i>I thank my God upon every remembrance of you. Philippians 1:3</i>Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08331168422471244204noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2477976757765420360.post-31298629366556297382011-12-26T15:54:00.000-08:002011-12-26T15:54:03.802-08:00Our 1st Christmas without Alexander"Truely my soul silently waits for God; from him comes my salvation. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my defense; I shall not be greatly moved." Psalm 62:1-2 <br />
<br />
Yesterday Christmas was hard. There was a distinct lack of a crawling, smiling 10 month old. In fact there was a lack of children. I was the youngest person present. This is our first Christmas without Alexander. It was also the first Christmas that my little brother Tim wasn't home. He's currently in Afghanistan serving our country. His antics and teasing were also missed. Having seen Tim play with my niece and nephew (another brother's children) it makes me wonder how he'd play with Alexander. I do believe I'll find out in the next few years how uncle Tim interacts with my children but there will always be someone missing. A little boy, a big brother (hopefully one day soon), my son will be missing from all the vacations and holidays while I'm still on earth.<br />
<br />
I find comfort knowing that Alexander got to have Christmas with Jesus, the angels, other children and loved ones who have gone before us. An image came into my head several times yesterday. I pictured Alexander trying to walk yesterday as older children ran ahead. I see him take a couple tentative steps and then fall on his butt. He's smiling because Alexander is always smiling. He holds up his arms to a smiling Jesus, who picks Alexander up gives him a hug and sets him back down a little ways a way. Our Lord gently encourages Alexander to take a couple steps, baby steps. This image and the image of Christ handing Alexander over to my sister in law Rachel, who went to be with God 10 years ago. Rachel and Alexander cuddle some and and walk over to join the other children are excitedly looking at something. I'm not sure what they are looking at but I don't think it matters. What matters is that they are safe and happy. They don't suffer and they get to be with God who loves them beyond measure.<br />
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"So all this was done that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the Lord through the prophet, saying: 'Behold, the virgin shall be with child, and bear a Son, and the shall call His name Immanuel,' which is translated, 'God with us.'" Matthew 1:22-23<br />
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God is with our loved ones who are not here and god is present in our lives on earth. It doesn't take away the longing and the pain of missing our babies or whoever you happen to be missing. It does bring us comfort, peace, joy, hope, and love.<br />
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"For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known. And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13: 12-13<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-KqDBy-VBAcY/TvYB1cEx0TI/AAAAAAAAADI/54fuysPJOZU/s1600/Tree+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-KqDBy-VBAcY/TvYB1cEx0TI/AAAAAAAAADI/54fuysPJOZU/s320/Tree+copy.jpg" width="207" /></a></div>Meganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08331168422471244204noreply@blogger.com0